Closing my 2017 roller coaster!!

Wow! 2 days to go and 2018 is around the corner, page turned, book closed, new page, or new exciting book yet to be written. I for one, I’m excited as hell about what’s to come!

My last entry was back in May, after the France trip, while we had agreed to file for divorce before said trip, neither of us took the first step for months. The months kept passing by and things got worse. His daughter brought someone or went to someone’s house to have sex on 26 July. That day was the beginning of the end and while it hurt for a while, today I sit in my house, with my pups, in a perfectly peaceful Friday night. I’ve cried all I needed to cry, grieved the loss of a ten yr marriage and the hopes for children, let go of walking on eggshells, and while tears just started coming out as I typed that I am 150% sure that I made the right decision.

After the blow up with his daughter, we started sleeping in separate bedrooms, and in early September I went and filed for divorce. He moved out on 16 October, right smack between our anniversary and my birthday! Court was early November and on 5 December the divorce was official.

CB- turned out that while I was having my issues at home and he was waiting to get back to work, he was having his own issues at home. He waited a couple of weeks after being back in the office to tell me he was getting separated and his wife was moving out. She moved out in early June and ever since then, he and I have random happy hours, 4hrs of amazing dinners and conversations, and while I know my feelings for him haven’t gone anywhere, I on he other hand have been “friend-zoned.” 😂 He wants to worry about himself (having fun) and his kids. It’s an odd position to be in after what we had and while he continues to say that he’ll realize what he had when I’m dating/engaged again, nothing has changed since April. However, I do have a fantastic friend and I know we’d do anything for each other.

I have started going out and little by little have learned that I have a lot to offer which went unnoticed for 10yrs. I have also been able to spend more time with my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. Since I still want a family of my own, I’m exploring my options as that will not be dependent on being in a relationship. There’s also the possibility of a new position at work.

I am looking forward to welcoming 2018 with open arms!

Hope everyone had great Christmas and happy New Year!

From Paris to Bruge and London

So about two months (February) ago Icelandair had this amazing sale on flights to Paris and me a ton of vacation that I got this crazy idea that after ten years of me wanting to go and work not sending me it was time to do so. The husband and I had been having tons of issues and the fact that he had always said he didn’t want to visit France made me want to buy the ticket even more!! I toyed with the idea for about two weeks and then one evening after an 8pm night at work–yes those are still happening– I was eating a quick something for dinner and while he sat on the couch I told him “I’m going to France for about 9-10 days you can either come or stay but if I’m taking vacation this year it’s now.” As you all can imagine from reading this the blowup that followed that! Fast forward two days, I got an email from husband at work asking “what if I go” so after some discussions and parameters we bought the tickets.

Fast forward a month (April) and we are back to having issues, when have they really stopped (that’s another story) and then at points I wasn’t sure if I’d be getting on the plan with or without him. In early May, there were a number of time were either he or I said something about the trip which led to more serious discussions to include the ones consecutive weekends before we left–bottom line, we do love each other but the reality is that our personalities, love langauges, life drivers, etc are just too different and we are never going to change. So we decided hat after the trip was done we would file for divorce and wouldn’t you know it—we didn’t argue at all during the entire trip!!! Seven days of stress, a missed flight, 14hr sightseeing days, foreign languages, his anxiety flaring up, and we were fine but that can’t be done at home so clearly a sign.

Now CB and I–in order for each of us to figure out what we needed to figure out at home we had decided on May 1st to stay away from each other. He had not made it back to the office then so that made it easy, however, his first day back in was this past Monday so we shall see how things go when I’m back in the office next Tuesday and for how long we can continue to keep our hands of each other because sex is definitely not something I’m enjoying at home.

Work is driving me crazy and…

He is still not back in the office! His process has taken less time than it routinely does for most but more than we expected. We had been seeing each other fairly often until a random app couldn’t send a message on it and sent it as a text and his wife saw my #. I think most of you can figure out what my next step was when he told me the fight that caused. Since then, about three weeks ago, he’s been extremely careful and I’ve been on the receiving end of that. 

I booked a mid-May vacation to France as things at home have been increasingly difficult for the last 6 months. The intent was to go alone but when I mentioned it to the husband it caused a huge issue–6 weeks to go and we shall see if he goes or not.

I also found out I will be getting promoted and as expected more demonstrations of happiness and excitement for my accomplishment came from CB, my family, friends…everyone but the husband who decided to argue with me that evening.

I’m glad I enjoy my job and my teams and I have been kicking enough a$$ to make up for all the other crappy situations in my life.

Had a plan…

This blog post was sitting in my drafts since March and while it no longer really matters to me, there were thoughts I had so here it is.

Sitting here because I feel the need to let out whatever emotions I’m feeling. Tomorrow will be exactly a month since CB stopped working in the office and while we have spent time together, I was really looking forward to tomorrow. You see, his birthday is 3/6 and since I wont be able to see him that day I had this super fun day planned for him/us for tomorrow. Ordered his favorite cupcakes, we were going to go to the indoor batting cages, and to the indoor go kart racing track and then lunch. He called me at work on Thursday afternoon March 5th and told me his Dad had had a mild heart attack and being that his mom is also medically unfit, he would have to be the one dealing with things at the hospital, needless to say all I could offer was empathy, a kiss, and be on my way.

One week…

Yup, it’s been a full week since his last day in the office and as shocking as it might have been to both of us, he actually misses me. Work continues to be busy as heck but on Tuesday after his first processing appointment he called while I was in a meeting. I called him back when I got back to my desk not expecting a call back because I knew she was home; however, to my surprise he called while she wasn’t around him. He then called Wednesday and Thursday.

Me being me, I had to ask him when we were messaging yesterday if he actually missed me or just the physical contact between us—answer was what I didn’t expect—he missed me. Yesterday, I went to a friend’s house for a small gathering and took longer coming home because he asked me if we could meet up for a bit. Clearly, two years into this I’ve found ways to make the little bit of time we get to spend together happen. Yesterday, his family had taken his kids which helped, but we just sat in the car talking and kissing for like 30 mins.

Today we have spend all day texting which has been great! I just sent him a text saying I wanted/needed his hands all over me and feeling the need to explain sent a follow-up text saying “for both sex and a massage” he said “I know.” It’s this kind of response that makes me think twice about everything going on in my life and whatever decisions I should be considering.

As of last Friday, my time-sheet only needed another 20hrs to get to 80, so I’m going to try to take a half day one of the days he’s alone at home so we can spend some time together or go to lunch. Such an empty space and no one else measures up or makes me feel like he does.

Sigh

Not forever but I’m still a MESS!!

So I guess my last post was a week ago, when I asked my boss if I could keep the position and CB in my branch upon his return to the division. So for the last month or so, CB has been doing things required to terminate his old job and be able to move to the new one. Through that process, he would come in the office for a couple of hours, sit with me and chat for at least 10-15 mins before he or I got really into doing any work, give me a kiss, and then go back to his desk. We’d message for as little or as long as he was in the office and then he would let me know when he was about to leave and either come back in or I would walk out with him so he could give me a kiss.

The last month has been insane for me at work but starting every day with CB there has been my only source of sanity, aside from getting home so late that there is really no need for small talk and monotonous interaction with the husband. Well after 102 hours in the last two weeks- I took last Friday off (husband was out of town)- scheduled a massage for that day and since it was CB’s last day in the office (until the processing for him to come back is complete and his W was working) we chose to get a hotel room and hangout all day. It had been a while since we had done that and while laying there I acknowledged how great it felt to be able to just be there, with him, talking about everything, and just being able to enjoy each others company. The entire 5-6 hours were amazing–no social media looked at, no phone calls answered, we didn’t even turn the TV on–funny thing is even when I lived alone last yr–i think we watched TV once and it was a basketball game. Before we left the hotel that afternoon he told me he would be having breakfast at a local fast food place, next to where I had my hair appointment Saturday morning, and asked if I could/would join him.

Saturday morning came around, I met him for breakfast, and while it was only about 40 mins that we sat there, it was great to be able to do something to simple with him. I usually bring breakfast for both of us to work–where no one sees–but having breakfast with him outside of work felt great. We then kissed good-bye, he went to get his kid, and I went to my hair appointment. We were chatting while I was at my appointment and as I sat there it hit me that tomorrow (2/6) and for the next couple of weeks I won’t be able to hear his voice, smell his cologne, or see his smile as he walks into my office to say good morning. I’m sure you can imagine how the tears started flowing even as I type this those tears still fall. I got so emotional that I made him “pinky swear” that regardless of how in control he wants to be of his emotions, he’d tell me the truth about whether he missed me or not–and that missing the sex and kisses didn’t count as missing me (as great as we click on both of these). He said “yes I pinky swear, it’s not like I won’t be talking to you.” I then thanked him for all the “silly happiness” he has brought to my life for the last two years.

He did share the days he would be alone at home and we agreed that I would try my hardest to leave work on time those days so that we could meet somewhere and catch up. I’m happy the process he’s going through has flown by in comparison to others and will stay positive that he’s back in the office by the end of the month. Missing him is only a sign of how much he’s going to miss me.

As June (deadline to re-evaluate my marriage) approaches I feel the need for more self discovery, introspection, and really putting down in black and white what it is that I want from here forward. In order to do that, and with the strong encouragement from one of my best friends, I’ve started meditating and writing in a journal. I have to work on more positive talking/thinking, acceptance, and unconditional love of self–any advice on these would be great!

Dare to ASK!

So I will preface this by saying that I’m not sure this will be a good idea but it was an idea nonetheless,  I needed to see what the answer would be, got the answer I didnt think I would get, now I need to WOMAN Up! 🙂

What am I talking about? Well work has been fckng INSANE for the last three weeks and by insane I mean 7, 8, 9pm nights even when I come in by 730am! After way too much build up, almost weekly updates to our director from our division, frustration with lack of communication between partner offices, finding out one the last day for one of my most AMAZING employees is next Friday, and what is only more craziness in the horizon I had a slight breakdown at work (behind close office door of course) on Wednesday. Driving home that night I figured I needed continuity on the team and felt a bit “jipped” that I had to give one of my positions to the other office so that CB would have a job when he came back and not work for me. So yeah the question I wouldn’t have known the answer to was exactly that–could my boss just let him work for me, now that I had proven myself to her, after I had to share what CB’s wife could potentially do. He was my only solution for continuity, someone I know can kick @$$, and who knows and exceeded my performance standards at work on a daily basis when he worked for me.

So I WOMAN’D up and asked—see our boss is retiring at the end of March and being that she is the only one who knows I figured worse she could say would be no. To my SHOCKED surprise….she did NOT…she said she was “amazed at the way I was running the branch, how everyone had excelled in the last year, that she could see herself in me (drive/attitude), and said that at some point we all go through some personal issue in the office”  So mr. CB is aware he’ll be working for me, held to a way higher standard than all, but also working for someone who truly values him and his contributions. Oh yeah and neither of our S.O’s will ever be able to know!

Not sure what Pandora’s box I’m getting ready to open but we shall see!

It’s been a couple days

Sitting here still in my work clothes because things have been INSANE in the office! 12hrs of OT last week and these last two days 23 hours. Thankfully I’m at least getting my kisses from CB…yup, it’s a continuing roller coaster–bottom line–him thinking he knows what I will do about my/our feelings to potentially affect him or I. 

Yeah NO! Yes I have feelings, yes I know we’d kick ass together yes yes yes but fck no I won’t risk my job for him or anyone 

Hope y’all are doing well as Ikeen praying this pain in my jaw goes away before I end up with it locking 😖

Really quick post

So I’ve been back to work and so has CB. I did leave him a note with all my angry feelings about Saturday which were just compounded by crap at home. His stupid app wasn’t getting any messages but since we don’t text I wouldn’t have known otherwise. Ughhhh 

Dilemma!

Somewhere between sad and angry!

So I had to go into work yesterday–was the only one there but took advantage of the opportunity to leave a note with my anger/sadness/disappointment after Saturday’s lack of text replies from CB on his desk under the keyboard. We are both going to be at work tomorrow so I know he will read it, what I really don’t know is what his reaction is going to be. Up until Friday, honesty had been a huge plus to “us,” it has been there from the very beginning because there was absolutely ZERO reason to hide anything from each other. Today, I’m definitely wondering whether he’ll feel like an ass after he reads my note tomorrow or if he’s trying to push me and his feelings for me away so bad that he will go to any extent to achieve it (was basically the premise of the note).

Today, while doing mundane things at home, all I have done is replay the night his wife found out we had been texting in my head. I’m not sure why I’ve been doing it but it has been with every  possible scenario and response I could have given her. Maybe because this weekend made me feel used, sightly worthless, and made me question a lot. It made me question why I still feel what I do for him and why little things like a note or a kiss can still make my day.

This weekend also made me take a deeper look at my marriage and how regardless of the love we have for each other, we don’t speak the same love language which causes constant conflict between us. All these thoughts and feelings led to a pretty serious discussion last night with the husband and I’m sure, if I know CB as well as I think I do, will lead to another one tomorrow.

We shall see how it goes!!!