Dare to ASK!

So I will preface this by saying that I’m not sure this will be a good idea but it was an idea nonetheless,  I needed to see what the answer would be, got the answer I didnt think I would get, now I need to WOMAN Up! 🙂

What am I talking about? Well work has been fckng INSANE for the last three weeks and by insane I mean 7, 8, 9pm nights even when I come in by 730am! After way too much build up, almost weekly updates to our director from our division, frustration with lack of communication between partner offices, finding out one the last day for one of my most AMAZING employees is next Friday, and what is only more craziness in the horizon I had a slight breakdown at work (behind close office door of course) on Wednesday. Driving home that night I figured I needed continuity on the team and felt a bit “jipped” that I had to give one of my positions to the other office so that CB would have a job when he came back and not work for me. So yeah the question I wouldn’t have known the answer to was exactly that–could my boss just let him work for me, now that I had proven myself to her, after I had to share what CB’s wife could potentially do. He was my only solution for continuity, someone I know can kick @$$, and who knows and exceeded my performance standards at work on a daily basis when he worked for me.

So I WOMAN’D up and asked—see our boss is retiring at the end of March and being that she is the only one who knows I figured worse she could say would be no. To my SHOCKED surprise….she did NOT…she said she was “amazed at the way I was running the branch, how everyone had excelled in the last year, that she could see herself in me (drive/attitude), and said that at some point we all go through some personal issue in the office”  So mr. CB is aware he’ll be working for me, held to a way higher standard than all, but also working for someone who truly values him and his contributions. Oh yeah and neither of our S.O’s will ever be able to know!

Not sure what Pandora’s box I’m getting ready to open but we shall see!

It’s been a couple days

Sitting here still in my work clothes because things have been INSANE in the office! 12hrs of OT last week and these last two days 23 hours. Thankfully I’m at least getting my kisses from CB…yup, it’s a continuing roller coaster–bottom line–him thinking he knows what I will do about my/our feelings to potentially affect him or I. 

Yeah NO! Yes I have feelings, yes I know we’d kick ass together yes yes yes but fck no I won’t risk my job for him or anyone 

Hope y’all are doing well as Ikeen praying this pain in my jaw goes away before I end up with it locking 😖

Really quick post

So I’ve been back to work and so has CB. I did leave him a note with all my angry feelings about Saturday which were just compounded by crap at home. His stupid app wasn’t getting any messages but since we don’t text I wouldn’t have known otherwise. Ughhhh 

Dilemma!

Somewhere between sad and angry!

So I had to go into work yesterday–was the only one there but took advantage of the opportunity to leave a note with my anger/sadness/disappointment after Saturday’s lack of text replies from CB on his desk under the keyboard. We are both going to be at work tomorrow so I know he will read it, what I really don’t know is what his reaction is going to be. Up until Friday, honesty had been a huge plus to “us,” it has been there from the very beginning because there was absolutely ZERO reason to hide anything from each other. Today, I’m definitely wondering whether he’ll feel like an ass after he reads my note tomorrow or if he’s trying to push me and his feelings for me away so bad that he will go to any extent to achieve it (was basically the premise of the note).

Today, while doing mundane things at home, all I have done is replay the night his wife found out we had been texting in my head. I’m not sure why I’ve been doing it but it has been with every  possible scenario and response I could have given her. Maybe because this weekend made me feel used, sightly worthless, and made me question a lot. It made me question why I still feel what I do for him and why little things like a note or a kiss can still make my day.

This weekend also made me take a deeper look at my marriage and how regardless of the love we have for each other, we don’t speak the same love language which causes constant conflict between us. All these thoughts and feelings led to a pretty serious discussion last night with the husband and I’m sure, if I know CB as well as I think I do, will lead to another one tomorrow.

We shall see how it goes!!!

When you least expect it, disappointment strikes!!

Feeling alone, lack of effort from the other person, feeling like everything is one-sided, no messages back, inadequate, and yet again not enough. Sitting here trying to make sense of my feelings, my life, what’s missing, the affair, why CB, and why regardless of the fact that we are nothing I feel the need to continue doing things to make CB feel special when the lack of reciprocity makes me feel like shit?

Today is yet another Saturday that I find myself home alone with the pups and my thoughts because the husband decided he wanted to go hunting. However, it’s not like any other Saturday, because today CB went with this dad to the basketball game I got him tickets to (Christmas gift). While at work yesterday I asked him to post a picture so at least I could see he was enjoying it and he did. When I saw the picture I sent him a chat message on the app we have been using and I noticed that while he turned the time-stamp notice off I still saw he had read the messages but I wasn’t getting a reply back. I sent 3 really short ones and never got a response back. Anger, frustration, and sadness all felt at the same time and then it hit me–it doesn’t matter how much you love and care for someone, only the right person at the right time will know how to and be able to do the same for you.

God, how I wish I could just turn off every drop of pride, caring, joy, and love I feel for this man!! If I were able to maybe then, just maybe, would I be able to acknowledge that what I got from CB at one point was honest but now is just his game, and also deal with all the shit at home, and realize that while husband loves me he doesn’t get me/we can’t communicate/we were meant to walk two different paths.

I don’t know how to be just friends with CB anymore but somehow I have to put up a wall or a huge fucking lock on my heart and my emotions for the next three weeks. He will be out of the office on 4 Feb and who knows how long his re-hiring will take but I need to do this for me, because I know I am stronger than this, because I know I deserve at least a stupid text back even if it was just -thanks again for the seats. NFS–Hoy me hiciste sentir como una cualquiera que solo usas cuando te conviene.

There comes a point when you realize that enough is enough, that you constantly give and give and everyone takes you for granted, that sometimes you gotta take shit into your own hands because it is simply not good for you, that feelings do not disappear overnight when someone means the world to you, and that love isn’t love if it’s one-sided.

 

To tell or not to

So I found out today that I’ll be getting a small (couple $ short of 2k before taxes) bonus. In 10yrs I’ve never done this and I’m sitting here not wanting to tell my husband about it for a number of reasons

• Current marriage situation–read prior posts
• Joint bank account that he doesn’t check or cares about–yes I could run away with everything BUT I was raised with morals
• I earn 50k more a yr than him now and have earned more than him for at least the last 5 years
• He pays monthly child support for two kids

Thoughts!?!

FUCK–why can I see my entire world in your eyes??

Yes, yours and only yours!?! Today, I officially got confirmation from the hiring manager that she was sending the recruiter CB’s conditional job offer…relief, anxiety, happiness, anger, FILL THE BLANK with any emotion PLEASE started washing over me! Of course I HAD to tell him and while I wanted to give him an “I’m so happy for you that this is one less stress for you to worry about KISS” I simply laughed and gave him a high-5…a fckng high5…seriously?!?! Almost 2 yrs of this and that’s all I could do because I didn’t want to cross the line he drew on Tuesday. After he went back to his desk, I sent him a kissy emoji face on the chat and said “since i can’t give you one, here’s this one” He replied with “We can go for a walk and I can tell you why as much as I want to I can’t” At that moment my mind started going a million miles a second and my first thought was that his wife was pregnant–it made me want to hurl–yes perfectly normal in a marriage but he doesn’t want another one with her and that would just make him stay an settle forever (although he still might even without another child).

When we went for the walk, CB reminded me how amazing I am, how he loves how much I love him and show him that I do, how even with all the stuff we have gone through we continue to be level headed about the situation, and then he stopped talking and just looked at me while I said some stuff in response to his comments. Obviously while I was talking, I got teary eyed and I could see it was getting to him but he wouldn’t stop looking at me.

To add to all that, H and I had a huge fight on Tuesday night about whether after 10 yrs and 3 periods of counseling sessions behavior on his part should have changed enough that if he sees me in the kitchen for an hour, he should stop playing (insert name of any game), get up from the couch in the family room and ask me if i need help or if I should just ask. I see asking as dealing with a child, he says it’s not in him to ask so he wont ever. So it’s definitely getting to the point where lists have to be made about priorities, needs, and wants…in addition to figuring out if we are even still IN LOVE and can continue and want to put work into this marriage.

I know CB has been reading this blog and I know that he knows what’s going on through my head even when it doesn’t/can’t/ won’t come out of my mouth. One of our coworkers and I were talking about it this afternoon and she said “sometimes it takes missing out on someone great to wake up and realize what you deserve” and that CB and I are just torturing ourselves on a daily basis…yup…it SUCKS!

It’s not the words…it’s who’s saying them

First day back at work of 2017 even though I still have about 35 hours of leave to use by this Friday. I went in with the intent of seeing CB, going through emails since I hadn’t been there Friday, and leaving at noon or so–which didn’t happen. I was actually REALLY excited about seeing him today, I had seen him NYE in the morning, told my sister that night about him getting hired by work and coming right back into the office and how neither of the spouses know, but to add to all that H and I had an argument last night which only made me want to go back to last January/Feb when H and I were separated and CB was coming over every afternoon.

You see, for the last ten years I have been the type of wife most men would probably call superwoman–higher income in the house/responsible step-mom to where sometimes I had to take off because neither of the parents could due to the jobs/able to go workout, train for a half marathon AND still have a full dinner served by no later than 630pm. While I am proud that I can do all that, I have HAD to do all that!! In 10 yrs H has never had the initiative to ask while I’m in the process of cooking dinner “Hey–do you need help? Is there anything I can do?” Is it my fault that I have taken it all on my shoulders–maybe, it’s what I saw my mom doing because she was a stay at home mom and my dad wouldn’t get home until 530-6pm from work. I have for the last 10 yrs craved/desired/yearned/NEEDED to be part of a team an it is one of the many reasons H and I have gone to couple’s counseling not once, not twice, but three times. Add to that my desire for small acts of affections and wanting a family (which we both did when we started but he paid 1500 in child support so smart me chose to wait–now he’s on the fence).

This morning, during our (CB & I) morning chat, he shared that he had a good weekend with his wife. That they had discussed what they wanted out of their relationship, what each of them were still missing, what the other still needed to work on, and their plans for this year among other things. After the so-so weekend I had, that felt like a nice sharp knife straight to the gut! I got up to get my morning kiss and to go get breakfast ready (which I normally do for both of us) and didn’t see him move towards me–talk about slap to the face and not knowing how to react–all I wanted to do was cry, which I’ve been doing since I left work. It’s crazy how something as silly as a kiss can affect you.

Our chat system was having issues so that only allowed us to talk a bit about it through the day and his bottom line was that he felt like we were going right back to where we were before we got caught last April (sex, texts, emotions), that it wasn’t emotionally healthy for either of us but mostly him, and that he was putting his kids’ happiness before his own even if it meant she wasn’t everything he wanted.

Being in my shoes right now SUCKS!! I see him every day, have all these emotions that don’t go away, the unpredictability of my marriage makes me gravitate towards him more because of our connection, I love seeing him happy, and I know we are both settling.

Pen and Paper in hand–will be writing things I want in my marriage. Even though H says he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce, I don’t think the old dog is willing to change or learn new tricks—ever optimist in me has hoped for 10 yrs, what’s another 6 months.