Girls!!

Can I just share how much I ❤️ my “work squad?” I shouldn’t find it weird that here you have these 4 Alpha females tearing it up at work but then when it’s time to let lose a bit, we go from giggles to flipping hyenas!! Today we all left work early and did a late “meat” lunch–I’m putting meat in quotes because I’m sure the poor men sitting behind us at lunch had no idea four classy, sassy, and a bit smart assy women like the four of us could be as dirty as they probably heard over their steaks. I won’t bore with those very funny stories and photography pointers.

They were all giving me shit for spoiling CB as much as I do. Spoiling (the bit I can do) is making sure he has something to eat for breakfast and usually either bringing an extra lunch or splitting mine with him. When CB and I started messing around one of the very first things I remember doing was bringing him a piece of my mom’s lasagna for lunch because I had only seen him eating disgusting cafeteria food the entire time I had been in the office. They say you usually win a man through the stomach and when wife doesn’t cook that was apparently a huge deal for him. That simple gesture, which I swear I never intended for food to be an in because even he can tell you, I wasn’t interested in him, I was asking him for advice on how to deal with someone else, brought out a lot of other feelings. 

Anyways back to the spoiling, do I agree with the girls that he is taken care of? Absolutely, I don’t know how not to! I’ve always treated others the way I want to be treated and unfortunately in pretty much all of my relationships I have ended up without it being reciprocated. While this isn’t a formal “relationship,” I couldn’t then and definitely can’t now, just turn off parts of me because it all started only as sex.

The only difference now, after a year with CB, is that I KNOW what I’m worth, I know I kick ass, as per his admission I am the whole package, and I know that at least one person is out there wondering what I am doing at the same time that I wonder what he’s doing. 

We are just “FINE”

Yup…fine!

Fine with the day to day, the monotony, the doing and not getting anything back, the wondering how much happier we could be, and that not being able to feel satiated when we are with each other feeling! Worse part is…the desire is no longer just physical and hasn’t been in a long time, it crossed that line a while back.

It’s crazy how the smallest thing/action/look/thought can lead to these deep conversations CB and I continue to have. Today’s topic was how come neither of us argues/fights with our spouses anymore. He said he was thinking about it yesterday after work and finally understood why. In any relationship there comes a point where you have had enough and go on about your life while trying to not cause any big waves. CB and I agreed today that is where we both are. There’s no sense in arguing with the spouses anymore because we know the path it leads to, we have also both come to realize that what we (CB and I) have will never be in our marriages. We know it’s not right but we rather keep doing what we are doing and be 100% happy for that limited amount of time.

Today CB came up to me because I wanted to tell him something – which when he was in front of me and I smelled his cologne – I completely forgot. He then joked and said “you were going to ask me to marry you” a comment that shocked the shit out me because that comment would certainly come out of the mouth of a die-hard romantic like me; however, it came out of his!!

At that moment, after composing myself, I mustered the courage to tell him about this blog. Until today, only one of my female friends and coworker of ours (who knows the entire story) knew about it. He got this smirk on his lips and asked me how long I had been writing it and why. I told him–about a month and because I needed to share/vent/let emotions out with someone even if it was the entire digital world. Not sure if I’ll give him the link to it tomorrow or not..after all this is all about him, I figured if it were me, I’d want to know if someone where writing about me and what they were writing.

After a year, it still leaves me speechless the way in which his touch, our talks, his kisses, and just his presence moves me and makes me feel emotions/feelings/desires I had never felt with anyone else.

Growing up I had heard when you meet that one person you’ll see your future in their eyes–didn’t believe that until a year ago–unfortunately that person is already taken.

Guilty conscience?

Yet another football Sunday that I miss CB’s silly self and our banter as we watched the games months ago. However, today I sit here typing this, and with a little bit more of him than I was getting before. You see, his wife started her official nursing shift (8-8pm) and she’s worked every day except for thanksgiving, which has allowed us to talk a bit every day because he has been taking care of his kids alone. It sucks to know that at times like this we are both “alone” and want to see each other but don’t.

We give each other in’s into our lives without our respective significant others knowing by posting pictures, quotes, etc. whether in a different language or with things that only resonate with the two of us. Last night, after messaging with me since Friday, CB posted a picture of flowers he had gotten for his wife, and all I could do was laugh. 

You are probably asking why I laughed and the answer is really quite simple–you see when you’ve been in a relationship where you are unappreciated, your needs and desires are second to your spouse’s, you go out of your way to make them feel special but you are left high and dry, even the smallest thing you do to make yourself happy or that someone does that makes you happy ends up making you feel guilty.

Well, I laughed about the flowers because I know him well enough to know that he purchased them because he likes seeing them on the kitchen island (as do I) but also because he felt guilty. Guilty that now that he’s alone he’s back to missing me, texting, having a hard time admitting to himself that while yes he does think about us when it comes to sex- he is also sitting at home thinking/wondering/knowing how different life would be if he had decided to not go back to her this past summer. Sad thing is I am here alone thinking the same exact fucking thing!!

Well, for the last year, CB has had someone worrying about whether he’s sad, happy, sick, eating (she doesn’t cook), needs a random note, a little thing to let him know someone cares about him, is thinking about him, and appreciates him. He’s done the same for me.

Tomorrow it’s back to work and needless to say we can’t wait!

The more and more I read some of your posts I find that I’m not the only one going through this type of situation. If you are or have–can you share any personal insight?

Just you

Today while the hubs went to get his car washed and I stayed doing nothing at my in-laws, I saw the CB posted a gym picture on Instagram. I knew he was alone and will pretty much be all weekend. I took the opportunity to do something I hadn’t done in a very long time–I messaged him on one of the apps we use that don’t get associated with my #. We chatted for a bit, talked about thanksgiving, the football games on tv, and because he was still at the gym I told him I didn’t want to bother him so we said bye. 

Truth is-I haven’t stopped thinking about him at all…car ride, dinner yesterday, watching football, and lounging today. I’m sure he knows that and can only hope a little part of him has been doing the same and thinking about me.

True self and love

I should be sleeping but instead I’m laying in bed staring at this tiny screen on my phone wanting to put some thoughts down. While this week was short at work (I’m off until next Monday) it was extremely busy and today a bit emotional. “CB” was off yesterday but at work today so like usual yesterday’s outfit was a lot more subdued than today’s because if feels insanely great to have him tell me how amazing I look. Today he showed up to work looking like a sick little boy, he’s been fighting a head-cold for about a week now but the only one trying to take care of him apparently is me. 

I had a meeting at 1030 and before going to it, I sent him a chat message letting him know that I had made him hot tea and put cough drops next to it and to come grab them out of my office. When I came back in I saw that everything was gone and that I had a chat message that said “why are you so good to me.” We’ve had this thing, for a year and half now, that whenever either of us asked a stupid/you know the answer kind of question we would just GGGRRR at each other, either in person/chat/texts–that was my immediate response and then I told him “if you have to ask then you still don’t know me like I thought you did.” He proceeded to tell me that he did know me, that because of the way he was he felt awful not being able to do anything for me when I went out of my way for him. The only answer I could give at that point was “well maybe life is letting all these add up and eventually you’ll get the rest of your life to make it up to me”–maybe corny but definitely fits where we both are right now.

A couple hours passed and I couldn’t shake off the sad/wanting to cry/can’t stop thinking feeling so I told him that. He immediately came into my office and he asked why. After all this time, we both can read each other like the back of our hand, so I told him that I was sad cuz I knew that his question was loaded with feelings and other things he wasn’t telling me, to which he joked that I read too much into stuff. I told him that his question to me meant at least three things: 

• While he had asked her to be a wife/friend/partner and do for him what he did for her–she was still not and he was still not appreciated 
• As much as we have tried to get rid of our feelings for each other, they are still there
• Regardless of the circumstances behind how we met and what is still happening, we would do anything to ensure the other was taken care of and felt it

I lay here tearing up because I can still hear his nervous laughter from this afternoon and then his “yes you are right and we can’t hide anything from each other regardless of how much we try.” All I could do at that moment was get up from my chair and wrap my arms around him to hug him and kiss his forehead. Before I left work today I left him a mug with the bags of tea, the cough drops, and a little note that he will get tomorrow morning as I’m driving 10hrs to spend thanksgiving with my husbands’ family and away from mine.

I hate that by the time I’m done writing them, these blogs are totally structure-less but I guess the bottom line of tonight’s is –who do you show your true self to?? Is it your spouse, parents, siblings, or best friends? Does anyone even get to see your entire true self or do you show different personas to different people?

It’s a sucky situation to be in when the person who knows you and connects with you on multiple levels is limited to 8hr work days and then each of you go home to acceptable/settling lives.

Football

Today I sat in my couch wishing, thinking about those months when we texted pretty much all of Sunday about football! Yup, football, because she hates it and I don’t, because I can talk smack just like you can, and because while I can be a girly girl I also love watching sports. Yes the husband likes football but not like you. He never gets into the games like we used to.

Last Friday you said I was funny (another quality I think I lack) and smartypants me could only come back with “I’m the whole package, that’s why you still can’t let go” your reply–a simple “Yes”–so much truth in one word. I know you have your past but knowing what I know about you and about us, I would leave it all and try it with you.

I would love to be cuddling on the couch with you watching football on this cold Sunday or at the very least texting you like we used to. It’s moments like this that make me miss you even more.

Being alone is a B*T#H!

Here I am sitting in this 2800sq ft house ALL ALONE like pretty much every other Saturday from October through January. Don’t get me wrong..I LOVE MY HOUSE, but four walls don’t make a HOME.

The husband and I bought this house 4 years ago as we fought for custody of his kids and with the intent of having our own. The custody thing was mostly because his ex wasn’t (and still doesn’t) do anything for their son whom while high functioning, has Asperger’s, and he only had visitation back then because he couldn’t afford a lawyer when they got divorced. Long story short–she settled and gave him joint legal custody so we dropped the case. As for children of our own, I had always said that I would be happy with two, didn’t want to be broke (he used to pay $1500/mo in child support), and wanted us to be in an emotionally stable situation so I was ok waiting. Here we are 10 yrs later with this huge house, still having issues, still paying some portion of child support, and I still don’t have the family I’ve always wanted.

I sit here hating the fact that the person I chose and the life we had discussed we both wanted is NOT what I have.

I sit here thinking about how different life would be with “CB” and how I wouldn’t be in a house alone on a Saturday. How I wouldn’t have woken up to an empty bed at 7am or been left alone all day, how his likes and dislikes are much more aligned with mine, and how happy we would both be as individuals in a marriage if we were together.

Sigh—

This twin flame stuff is UNREAL!!

I’m sitting here smiling and giggling like a little school girl because sometimes, no most times, my life has NO explanation. So less than a month ago “cabana boy (CB)” said no more to whatever we had been doing, I was a mess as a result but managed to ignore him, his smell, his smile, and all the sexiness that he manages to exude by just standing there–yes it is that disgusting! HAHA!

Over the weekend I took some silly “what zodiac sign is your lover supposed to be quiz” and had to laugh when the result showed up because it said Pisces, yup, his sign! Work thankfully has been extremely busy which has kept me unable to engage in as much conversation or give him as much attention as I used to, clearly this has been to my benefit. I has helped me focus on me, my job, how I want to handle things at home with the husband and stepdaughter, what I need and want, and after training and finishing a marathon just taking time to breathe (when work allows!) Well, Monday was unlike other Mondays, yes I knew we had a super moon that night, but last week had been so bad that I didn’t think twice about it. He came in my office like most mornings, we chatted about the weekend, what we had done, the performance of the local football team, etc. and then like old times I got a smirk. I knew the clothes I wore that day fall on his list of things he likes on me, which yes it’s pretty much everything–someone else is in scrubs and let’s face it scrubs aren’t sexy–

Ok so 3rd day of trying to finish this post and with a drink by my side because it was a SUPER long day at work—so yes the smirk, some random flirtatious comments through the day on Monday and as he was getting ready to leave for the day he says “Yeah, you and I cant, it will likely happen again soon” I wondered whether I heard the right thing but didn’t ask for clarification and just kept working.

Tuesday came around and it was the same 15 yr old cat and mouse game we have been playing for the 18 months. I ended up wearing some capri pants, a sweater, and heels, professional enough but definitely not trying harder at all. Like most days we had out morning chat, talked about work, his daughter, stuff at my house, etc. A couple of times through the day he came in my office and we chatted some more, he told me once again how great I looked (must be the stress/lack of eating, then again I’ve always thought I’m just a really smart average looking woman, blame it on ex’s or not having my 1rst bf until I was 18). At some point that morning I did ask him why he had said what he said Monday afternoon and what it meant. As usual I got the answer I expected “Seeing you every day, trying to stay away from you, knowing that she (his wife) isn’t putting any effort, and that you are the whole package is driving me crazy” to which I had to LOL because back to my “why do we settle” post…here’s a man who’s clearly unhappy, who sees his future and happiness with someone else BUT settling. I walked with him to the hallway and elevator that day and before leaving he repeated what he said on Monday. Tease me replied “it’d be nice if it happened before Christmas” and walked away.

That must have left him thinking all-night on Tuesday because when he walked in on Wednesday morning, mind you I was dressed up in a skirt and 3″ heels after our civil, just friends morning chat, he asked “so I know you have tons of leave you need to get rid of, do you want to leave early today?”*JAW DROPPED TO THE FCKNG FLOOR* WHAT??? HE ACTUALLY BROKE in less than a month…WTF?!?!? Yes, the same man who told me less than a month ago that we had to stop everything, was all of sudden propositioning me to leave work early for a relaxing afternoon. I’ll spare you the details but I’ll share that a forgotten doctor’s appointment suddenly showed up on my calendar and it was a wonderful afternoon.

During the time we spent together, and me being me, I had to ask him why he had made the decision he made in October and what made him change his mind. His answer “We were back to leaving at the same time every afternoon, notes, lunch, and knowing that you are where and with whom I want to be but I’m choosing to stay where I am, I had to back off for a bit, I was getting wrapped up in us again.”  I had nothing to say…speechless (doesn’t happen very often)

Life is one big conundrum and honestly all we can do is BE HAPPY IN THE MOMENT!!