Last day of 2016!

LE SIGH!!! This year went by way to fcking quick–just like my life seem to be lately! Full of ups and downs, uncertainties, and all kinds of questions. I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling like this so I figured I’d write a bit about it. I’m sitting here with a splitting headache and wanting to just stay home tonight instead of going to my brother’s to celebrate with the H and the rest of my family—going under protest.

As I sit here on this last day of 2016 I can’t help but to think about what I’ve been through this year, learned about myself, learned about others, accomplishments, wants, and NEEDS! I also can’t help to think about CB and be thankful! You might wonder why I’m thankful for him if what we have is just an amazing friendship, a crazy spot on bond, a kick ass connection, and have to deal with keeping all of it a secret. Well–you just read why I am thankful for him!

In the last year and half, CB has made me feel a whole lot of emotions that I didn’t know existed or that I could feel. He has made me feel loved, desired, valued, and worth a lot more than I every thought I was. I can wholeheartedly say he has helped me and made me look at life with gratitude and a smile on my face 24/7 (or at least 16/7–a girl’s gotta sleep).

I was lucky enough to catch up with CB for a bit this morning and get those kisses that turn me (turn both of us) into a puddle–now I can say my 2016 will end somewhat ok. Obviously my idealistic self would love to be able to end 2016 and begin 2017 with CB but for now I’ll settle.

Things I will try to do in 2017:

• Let go of my ego and stop allowing it to get in the way of having the things I truly want
• Learn how to do something new
• Take day trips (even if it’s just me -alone)
• Eliminate one form of negativity
• Practice gratitude all the time
• Stop trying to please everyone
• Go on an adventure
• Travel
• Practice random acts of kindness
• Communicate more with family and friends
• Do things I enjoy with people I whose company I enjoy
• Meditate
• Journal or keep writing here

Hope you have a great end of 2016!!

Christmas has lost it zeal for me

I’m sitting here staring at my now gift-less Christmas tree, after a loud PRican brunch at our house, surrounded by family YET feeling empty. This is probably the 2nd or 3rd Christmas where the lead up is ehh and then the actual day is here and when it’s done I feel worse than when it all started. 

Growing up we always used to have Christmas Eve dinner and it was a family affair. As we have all grown up Christmas Eve at my parents has stopped happening and now it has turned into just Christmas morning brunch, leaving all those traditions I grew up with behind. Yes, I cooked a Christmas Eve dinner but it being just the H, his kids, and I leaves me feeling alone and a bit of an outsider. When you add to that the constant fights between my stepdaughter and I, which right now have been going on for a week non stop, I just want to crawl in a hole/my room/get on a plane and disappear!!! 

I’m not sure if the lack of Christmas happiness comes from my desire to have a child, the fact that for the 2nd Christmas in a row I purchased all my gifts (joint bank account but H won’t buy anything without a wishlist), wanting a happier/more stable marriage, wanting H to be more thoughtful and put more effort into our relationship, wanting out of the marriage, wanting to hear/spend time with CB, or still having the feelings I have for CB. Yes, my mind and emotions are all over the place!!!

CB and I were supposed to spend time Thursday afternoon and then Friday. Unfortunately, I only got to surprise him at the gym for a bit, we met at the local park (because I wanted his kisses and wasn’t trying to get them in front of people who see him at the gym with his  wife), and then found out that she had changed since her work schedule-fckng up the plans we had for Friday. Yesterday I went on Instagram and saw that he posted a picture with just his daughter which likely meant he was home alone. We have agreed that we won’t message, well mostly that I won’t message him unless I’m 100% sure that she isn’t home  -because while he’s unhappy with her, his kids are still there and his priority, if she were to find out we have hidden an entire year of 8hrs at work/hanging out outside/still having the conversation that got us to the original place-she’d leave and take their daughter. But back to yesterday, I felt like shit when I saw that picture and couldn’t say anything to him because last I had heard on Thursday, she wasn’t working yesterday and I wasn’t going to risk not being able to talk to him. 

I’m sitting here trying to figure out the why and with only 6 days left of 2016 it seems like the perfect time for some introspection–heart to heart with H, what do I do about CB, what do I want and need–all thoughts that need answers.

Hope as you read this you are in a better mood than I and had a very Merry Christmas!

It’s an icy mess outside, I feel like the cold that has been going around the office for the last month is trying to make it’s way to me, I’m still in pj’s at 3:50pm, and all I want is to cuddle on the couch with my head on CB’s lap and have him rub my head the way he usually does when my head hurts.

This week was slow and busy at work, CB and I had some time to hangout on Tuesday and yesterday. Tuesday was a quick couple of kisses and yesterday we went and grabbed a couple of drinks to celebrate his still not official job. I had a completely different idea in mind of course, I wanted to get some and then go hangout, and he didn’t. After getting caught the first time, he’s scared of coming to my house (mind you we did it for a yr), and since he has neighbors that talk with his wife I’m not going to his place. So rather than arguing about it, because that was were it was heading, I backed off and told him I was ok with whatever he wanted to do. We ended up meeting up for a couple beers, nice talk, hardly looked at our phones, some kissing, and then each of us went on our merry way. Spending time with him is like spending time with someone my soul has known forever!

Today, I’m here with the sleeping pups behind me and with an empty house around me. H decided he wanted to go hunting so he left at like 1 after buying me some soup I asked him to get. Priority clearly wasn’t/isn’t me.

CB got his boxers in a twist Thurs/Friday because he’s worried I’m going to go back to feeling like I did a year ago- when we were extremely aware of what each of us wanted and our spouses weren’t providing. You see, when I first met him, he used to have a part-time job at night because she didn’t work, that job was really quiet, and ALL he used to do was think…think about his life, his kids, me, why, us, me vs. her, name it he thought about it during those 4-5 hours at the part-time but most nights he used to come out to a nice message or dinner waiting for him.

I still don’t know what got him thinking this week, while he denies it- part of me thinks it’s because he’s worried about finding himself where he was a year ago and feeling like he did then but he rather project it on me and be worried about me going back to a year ago- the other part of me doesn’t know what to think. He also got kinda pissy about the fact that I was going to get him a Christmas gift–that got me mad because he automatically tied the Christmas gift to the same emotions and things we did a year ago that he doesn’t want me to feel now. I’m trying to not overthink it but laying on the couch feeling blah is not helping at all.

“Love shouldn’t be exhausting. It shouldn’t leave you feeling stressed out, less than, and underappreciated. Love is supposed to be free, natural, a release from the monotony, and routines of life. Love won’t leave you drained; it won’t leave you depressed, lost, or distraught. Love is a healer, love is a friend, and love is a protector. Loving isn’t easy, it’s a challenge, but when it’s good, it’s a treasure. Real love won’t break you, it will build you. It will bring out the best in you.” ~ Rob Hill Sr.

 

 

 

$, sex, kids, and religion–top reasons for divorce

A fight with H dominated all of the afternoon!!! FCK! Have I said yet how much I hate fighting!?! And how H lives in negative land so it’s ok for him to argue or be annoyed constantly just like his daughter!?! I’m laying in the guest bedroom (first time I have enough strength to leave our bed-it’s usually him) because I REALLY don’t want to sleep next to him, in this house, replaying the comments he made this afternoon. 

The whole afternoon argument was over a loan from our retirement account. In 10yrs, H has never, maybe at the very beginning when debt collectors used to come after him for accounts his ex left on his credit, actually dealt with any bills-paying, calling, scheduling, upgrades, and downgrades–it’s always been ME! I’ve always been the one asking my family to patch up our bank account for a couple of weeks or calling x or y bill to schedule a payment a week out, all he’s ever had to worry about is holding a damn job and depositing the checks into the joint account. Today when he said no to the retirement fund loan I said fine give me another solution because otherwise Christmas is out of the question for everyone. Unfair, maybe, but when I have, since we met, made over 30 to 40k per year more than him and all of a sudden he has an issue with how I manage our money without wanting to be involved, I have a fckng problem. Somewhere in the discussion, he says “every woman in my life, aside from my mother and sister, is a pain in my ass and I’m sick and tired of it, I’m done.” 10yrs–do u know how many times I’ve heard that?!? For once, I really wish it were true!! I’m always so worried about everyone else- their feelings, what I can do to make everything better, over analyzing what I could have said or done wrong, but I’m honestly sick and tired of it.

One thing that CB had helped me realize this last year is that I am worth a shitload!! I will go to the ends of the earth for anyone who deserves it, I will fight for my ideals and defend yours as well, I have friendships that have endured time and distance, and as a spouse/friend/stepmom I know (and CB has told me) that I am the entire package.

I don’t want to mix and angry post with one about CB and his interview–which i know nothing about because it was at 3:30 and he wasn’t alone today. Hoping to get a full readout tomorrow.

All I can do today is SMILE!!

Woke up with an INSANE headache from last night’s argument with h, the two beers, and the stress. Took all of 5  over the counter migraine meds through the day to finally get rid of the nasty thing. However, even with that today I was all smiles. Can you guess why??

So yesterday I thought I would hear from CB either prior to his interview or right after it but I didn’t so I was a ball of nerves the entire day and night. Right at 2:45 my boss came in my office to let me know a couple of things and to ask me if there was anything she should ask CB during his interview. I laughed, because she comes and asks me fully knowing what has transpired between CB and I, gave her a run down of things I knew he had been arduously trying to learn prior to the interview and then told her she could put him in the spot and just ask something related to that stuff. She said she wouldn’t and that she basically was going to tell the hiring team that we wanted him in the office.

This morning, like every other morning, CB came in the office to get his coffee and to have our daily chat and told me all about the interview. He giggled about a couple of questions he stumbled on during the interview and told me he had been nervous as hell even when he knew all the stuff I had already told him. Not long after, he sent me a chat told me that his current boss, whom he’ll continue working for, had told him everyone was really happy with his interview and that they were sending the hiring concurrence forward.

Here I am alone at home and I’m still smiling…smiling because I no longer have to say goodbye in a month, smiling because the only ones who really know how and why he got selected for the job are the two of us, smiling because his wife has no fckng clue that her spoiled @$$ wont have to work extra shifts to make ends meet partly because of my connections, tenure, and desire to help him and see him succeed, and smiling because I still get to smell his cologne every morning and spend at least 8 hrs a day with him.

🙂

If I only had one breath left…

I would honestly use it to tell you how much you are worth and try to take away any shadow of self doubt you have in your abilities as a man, in the job you do, how you raise and interact with your kids, and how you can and have made this twin flame of yours feel this last year.

So this week sort of turned out to be a lot better that others, work was quiet, his wife worked, and CB and I were able to hang out and text a decent amount of time-which hadn’t happened in a long time. I found out more details about the job last Friday but it was late, he had already left work, and he wasn’t supposed to be alone last weekend. I was so happy that when I ran my normal weekend errands I couldn’t get the good news out of my head so I had to find a way to share some of it somehow on Monday.

CB has a sweet tooth like you wouldn’t believe!! and one of the things that we have done for the last yr is act like flippin’ teenagers when it comes to silly ways of showing each other that at some point that night/weekend we had thought of each other. When he got to work on Monday, there was a little card and a tiny box filled with four or five of his favorite hard candies. Yes…so silly but I know it’s definitely something my husband wouldn’t be able to do because he doesn’t even know my favorite kind of candy and for CB, she only worries about herself and never does little things like that.

Little by little this week I have kept learning details as to why and in what capacity our company wants to/will hire him. Unfortunately, as much as I want him back working on one of my teams, mid-week I made sure that I passed the responsibility to his current manager in order to avoid any conflict of interest issues.

This week, I have tried to appease all his stress and anxiety related to the job hunt and the interview, which because I know CB so well, he only keeps thinking and over-thinking about it, making himself more stressed. I think (and hope) that between our can’t stop talking, we have too much fun together even just doing nothing, laying in bed relaxed time (which involved some navy blue Victoria Secret lace lingerie–which HOLY SHIT I didn’t know lace had such MAGICAL effects ladies! and turned CB into a puddle) away from everyone, in addition to the details I know that he doesn’t, it has worked.

CB is alone with his kid this weekend so that’s nice because while he won’t be at work on Monday, we can at least message all weekend and I can help him get over all his crazy interview thoughts even if it’s only through conversation AND we might actually watch a football game “together” like old times.

We did agree on one thing this week— “we will forever be each others greatest weakness and biggest what if.”

Despertarme pensando en ti es la mejor parte de mis mañanas.

As if we needed more proof!!

WTF!?!!! Our souls must clearly be having fun and think t’s not enough for this karmic connection to exist between us and get thrown in our faces constantly. Months ago a couple of us put in a recommendation with hiring managers for CB to permanently get hired. Today, as I suspected and EXPECTED it would happen, I found out my company is wanting to hire him and more than likely they want him hired on my team! 

He wasn’t at work today so he has no fckng clue what has transpired but today I was a slight mess. Reasons why I was a mess, too many, but bottom line is that as long as our respective situations are what they are and even if they weren’t and we were actually seeing each other, nepotism is a very big deal to our company. Only a couple of people know what happened between us at the beginning of the year, but one of them is someone in a higher position than mine, whom I had to inform when CB’s wife threatened to contact work.
Bottom line–I’m excited to tell him what I was told about his prospective job. However, I do wonder if he gets the job will he forever think about how yes it was partly his skills but mostly my contacts? Not sure what kind of impact that would have on him. 🤔