One week…

Yup, it’s been a full week since his last day in the office and as shocking as it might have been to both of us, he actually misses me. Work continues to be busy as heck but on Tuesday after his first processing appointment he called while I was in a meeting. I called him back when I got back to my desk not expecting a call back because I knew she was home; however, to my surprise he called while she wasn’t around him. He then called Wednesday and Thursday.

Me being me, I had to ask him when we were messaging yesterday if he actually missed me or just the physical contact between us—answer was what I didn’t expect—he missed me. Yesterday, I went to a friend’s house for a small gathering and took longer coming home because he asked me if we could meet up for a bit. Clearly, two years into this I’ve found ways to make the little bit of time we get to spend together happen. Yesterday, his family had taken his kids which helped, but we just sat in the car talking and kissing for like 30 mins.

Today we have spend all day texting which has been great! I just sent him a text saying I wanted/needed his hands all over me and feeling the need to explain sent a follow-up text saying “for both sex and a massage” he said “I know.” It’s this kind of response that makes me think twice about everything going on in my life and whatever decisions I should be considering.

As of last Friday, my time-sheet only needed another 20hrs to get to 80, so I’m going to try to take a half day one of the days he’s alone at home so we can spend some time together or go to lunch. Such an empty space and no one else measures up or makes me feel like he does.

Sigh

Not forever but I’m still a MESS!!

So I guess my last post was a week ago, when I asked my boss if I could keep the position and CB in my branch upon his return to the division. So for the last month or so, CB has been doing things required to terminate his old job and be able to move to the new one. Through that process, he would come in the office for a couple of hours, sit with me and chat for at least 10-15 mins before he or I got really into doing any work, give me a kiss, and then go back to his desk. We’d message for as little or as long as he was in the office and then he would let me know when he was about to leave and either come back in or I would walk out with him so he could give me a kiss.

The last month has been insane for me at work but starting every day with CB there has been my only source of sanity, aside from getting home so late that there is really no need for small talk and monotonous interaction with the husband. Well after 102 hours in the last two weeks- I took last Friday off (husband was out of town)- scheduled a massage for that day and since it was CB’s last day in the office (until the processing for him to come back is complete and his W was working) we chose to get a hotel room and hangout all day. It had been a while since we had done that and while laying there I acknowledged how great it felt to be able to just be there, with him, talking about everything, and just being able to enjoy each others company. The entire 5-6 hours were amazing–no social media looked at, no phone calls answered, we didn’t even turn the TV on–funny thing is even when I lived alone last yr–i think we watched TV once and it was a basketball game. Before we left the hotel that afternoon he told me he would be having breakfast at a local fast food place, next to where I had my hair appointment Saturday morning, and asked if I could/would join him.

Saturday morning came around, I met him for breakfast, and while it was only about 40 mins that we sat there, it was great to be able to do something to simple with him. I usually bring breakfast for both of us to work–where no one sees–but having breakfast with him outside of work felt great. We then kissed good-bye, he went to get his kid, and I went to my hair appointment. We were chatting while I was at my appointment and as I sat there it hit me that tomorrow (2/6) and for the next couple of weeks I won’t be able to hear his voice, smell his cologne, or see his smile as he walks into my office to say good morning. I’m sure you can imagine how the tears started flowing even as I type this those tears still fall. I got so emotional that I made him “pinky swear” that regardless of how in control he wants to be of his emotions, he’d tell me the truth about whether he missed me or not–and that missing the sex and kisses didn’t count as missing me (as great as we click on both of these). He said “yes I pinky swear, it’s not like I won’t be talking to you.” I then thanked him for all the “silly happiness” he has brought to my life for the last two years.

He did share the days he would be alone at home and we agreed that I would try my hardest to leave work on time those days so that we could meet somewhere and catch up. I’m happy the process he’s going through has flown by in comparison to others and will stay positive that he’s back in the office by the end of the month. Missing him is only a sign of how much he’s going to miss me.

As June (deadline to re-evaluate my marriage) approaches I feel the need for more self discovery, introspection, and really putting down in black and white what it is that I want from here forward. In order to do that, and with the strong encouragement from one of my best friends, I’ve started meditating and writing in a journal. I have to work on more positive talking/thinking, acceptance, and unconditional love of self–any advice on these would be great!