Yup…fine!
Fine with the day to day, the monotony, the doing and not getting anything back, the wondering how much happier we could be, and that not being able to feel satiated when we are with each other feeling! Worse part is…the desire is no longer just physical and hasn’t been in a long time, it crossed that line a while back.
It’s crazy how the smallest thing/action/look/thought can lead to these deep conversations CB and I continue to have. Today’s topic was how come neither of us argues/fights with our spouses anymore. He said he was thinking about it yesterday after work and finally understood why. In any relationship there comes a point where you have had enough and go on about your life while trying to not cause any big waves. CB and I agreed today that is where we both are. There’s no sense in arguing with the spouses anymore because we know the path it leads to, we have also both come to realize that what we (CB and I) have will never be in our marriages. We know it’s not right but we rather keep doing what we are doing and be 100% happy for that limited amount of time.
Today CB came up to me because I wanted to tell him something – which when he was in front of me and I smelled his cologne – I completely forgot. He then joked and said “you were going to ask me to marry you” a comment that shocked the shit out me because that comment would certainly come out of the mouth of a die-hard romantic like me; however, it came out of his!!
At that moment, after composing myself, I mustered the courage to tell him about this blog. Until today, only one of my female friends and coworker of ours (who knows the entire story) knew about it. He got this smirk on his lips and asked me how long I had been writing it and why. I told him–about a month and because I needed to share/vent/let emotions out with someone even if it was the entire digital world. Not sure if I’ll give him the link to it tomorrow or not..after all this is all about him, I figured if it were me, I’d want to know if someone where writing about me and what they were writing.
After a year, it still leaves me speechless the way in which his touch, our talks, his kisses, and just his presence moves me and makes me feel emotions/feelings/desires I had never felt with anyone else.
Growing up I had heard when you meet that one person you’ll see your future in their eyes–didn’t believe that until a year ago–unfortunately that person is already taken.
When Love Just Ain't Enough 
I totally understand the feelings you are going through. And how you are relating to you spouse. After a while you change. You adapt to the situation and learn to avoid the things that cause a negative reaction. At first they are small so it seems not a big deal. But over time they add up and you look back and realize you put much of yourself on hold to make your marriage work. Now it’s too late to go back. Your spouse likes the new you and it will be even harder to try to be you.
Also I wouldn’t share the link. You don’t know where things are going. If you need to air anything or vent then it’s best not to have him looking at the writing. Or worse his spouse finding the link somehow. I told Mistress I would share the link with her when we were married. Until then it’s my own personal journal. No chances.
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Oh been there done that for a while, it was the reason why I left in January of this year; however, in May I was back. Maybe because of fear, desire to make sure I had given 100% (difficult with CB in the picture), or just plain had discussed more openly what I needed with my spouse. We still have a huge elephant in the room and that’s my desire to have at least one child of my own–mid-2017 we’ll re-evaluate where we are.
Yeah my biggest fear is his spouse finding anything related to me because I know CBs biggest fear is losing his daughter over us.
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Your husband doesn’t want a child with you? That’s often a marriage deal breaker. With or without CB. And yes it’s hard to give your marriage a fair shake with perceived perfection waiting in the wings. You know I’m re-evaluating in spring 2017. Interesting. We are on similar timelines.
I’m not sure where you live and what the laws are. If that’s a legitimate concern then yes be careful. Don’t share electronic things with him. Especially not this blog. It’s too permanent with too many details.
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Not so simple unfortunately.
He has a 17 & 14 from his first marriage and when we got married he knew and we both wanted but couldn’t afford them. We’ve been waiting ten years to be able to an for child support to decrease while dealing with anxiety issues with stepdaughter and slight Asperger with stepson so it hasn’t been easy. Now he’s almost 40 and thinking about it very hard
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How sweet. Only one IRL person knows about my blog, B, but I don’t think he reads it.
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When he first opened it he joked that it was a book…he knows I have no issue expressing how I feel.
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