One week…

Yup, it’s been a full week since his last day in the office and as shocking as it might have been to both of us, he actually misses me. Work continues to be busy as heck but on Tuesday after his first processing appointment he called while I was in a meeting. I called him back when I got back to my desk not expecting a call back because I knew she was home; however, to my surprise he called while she wasn’t around him. He then called Wednesday and Thursday.

Me being me, I had to ask him when we were messaging yesterday if he actually missed me or just the physical contact between us—answer was what I didn’t expect—he missed me. Yesterday, I went to a friend’s house for a small gathering and took longer coming home because he asked me if we could meet up for a bit. Clearly, two years into this I’ve found ways to make the little bit of time we get to spend together happen. Yesterday, his family had taken his kids which helped, but we just sat in the car talking and kissing for like 30 mins.

Today we have spend all day texting which has been great! I just sent him a text saying I wanted/needed his hands all over me and feeling the need to explain sent a follow-up text saying “for both sex and a massage” he said “I know.” It’s this kind of response that makes me think twice about everything going on in my life and whatever decisions I should be considering.

As of last Friday, my time-sheet only needed another 20hrs to get to 80, so I’m going to try to take a half day one of the days he’s alone at home so we can spend some time together or go to lunch. Such an empty space and no one else measures up or makes me feel like he does.

Sigh

Not forever but I’m still a MESS!!

So I guess my last post was a week ago, when I asked my boss if I could keep the position and CB in my branch upon his return to the division. So for the last month or so, CB has been doing things required to terminate his old job and be able to move to the new one. Through that process, he would come in the office for a couple of hours, sit with me and chat for at least 10-15 mins before he or I got really into doing any work, give me a kiss, and then go back to his desk. We’d message for as little or as long as he was in the office and then he would let me know when he was about to leave and either come back in or I would walk out with him so he could give me a kiss.

The last month has been insane for me at work but starting every day with CB there has been my only source of sanity, aside from getting home so late that there is really no need for small talk and monotonous interaction with the husband. Well after 102 hours in the last two weeks- I took last Friday off (husband was out of town)- scheduled a massage for that day and since it was CB’s last day in the office (until the processing for him to come back is complete and his W was working) we chose to get a hotel room and hangout all day. It had been a while since we had done that and while laying there I acknowledged how great it felt to be able to just be there, with him, talking about everything, and just being able to enjoy each others company. The entire 5-6 hours were amazing–no social media looked at, no phone calls answered, we didn’t even turn the TV on–funny thing is even when I lived alone last yr–i think we watched TV once and it was a basketball game. Before we left the hotel that afternoon he told me he would be having breakfast at a local fast food place, next to where I had my hair appointment Saturday morning, and asked if I could/would join him.

Saturday morning came around, I met him for breakfast, and while it was only about 40 mins that we sat there, it was great to be able to do something to simple with him. I usually bring breakfast for both of us to work–where no one sees–but having breakfast with him outside of work felt great. We then kissed good-bye, he went to get his kid, and I went to my hair appointment. We were chatting while I was at my appointment and as I sat there it hit me that tomorrow (2/6) and for the next couple of weeks I won’t be able to hear his voice, smell his cologne, or see his smile as he walks into my office to say good morning. I’m sure you can imagine how the tears started flowing even as I type this those tears still fall. I got so emotional that I made him “pinky swear” that regardless of how in control he wants to be of his emotions, he’d tell me the truth about whether he missed me or not–and that missing the sex and kisses didn’t count as missing me (as great as we click on both of these). He said “yes I pinky swear, it’s not like I won’t be talking to you.” I then thanked him for all the “silly happiness” he has brought to my life for the last two years.

He did share the days he would be alone at home and we agreed that I would try my hardest to leave work on time those days so that we could meet somewhere and catch up. I’m happy the process he’s going through has flown by in comparison to others and will stay positive that he’s back in the office by the end of the month. Missing him is only a sign of how much he’s going to miss me.

As June (deadline to re-evaluate my marriage) approaches I feel the need for more self discovery, introspection, and really putting down in black and white what it is that I want from here forward. In order to do that, and with the strong encouragement from one of my best friends, I’ve started meditating and writing in a journal. I have to work on more positive talking/thinking, acceptance, and unconditional love of self–any advice on these would be great!

When you least expect it, disappointment strikes!!

Feeling alone, lack of effort from the other person, feeling like everything is one-sided, no messages back, inadequate, and yet again not enough. Sitting here trying to make sense of my feelings, my life, what’s missing, the affair, why CB, and why regardless of the fact that we are nothing I feel the need to continue doing things to make CB feel special when the lack of reciprocity makes me feel like shit?

Today is yet another Saturday that I find myself home alone with the pups and my thoughts because the husband decided he wanted to go hunting. However, it’s not like any other Saturday, because today CB went with this dad to the basketball game I got him tickets to (Christmas gift). While at work yesterday I asked him to post a picture so at least I could see he was enjoying it and he did. When I saw the picture I sent him a chat message on the app we have been using and I noticed that while he turned the time-stamp notice off I still saw he had read the messages but I wasn’t getting a reply back. I sent 3 really short ones and never got a response back. Anger, frustration, and sadness all felt at the same time and then it hit me–it doesn’t matter how much you love and care for someone, only the right person at the right time will know how to and be able to do the same for you.

God, how I wish I could just turn off every drop of pride, caring, joy, and love I feel for this man!! If I were able to maybe then, just maybe, would I be able to acknowledge that what I got from CB at one point was honest but now is just his game, and also deal with all the shit at home, and realize that while husband loves me he doesn’t get me/we can’t communicate/we were meant to walk two different paths.

I don’t know how to be just friends with CB anymore but somehow I have to put up a wall or a huge fucking lock on my heart and my emotions for the next three weeks. He will be out of the office on 4 Feb and who knows how long his re-hiring will take but I need to do this for me, because I know I am stronger than this, because I know I deserve at least a stupid text back even if it was just -thanks again for the seats. NFS–Hoy me hiciste sentir como una cualquiera que solo usas cuando te conviene.

There comes a point when you realize that enough is enough, that you constantly give and give and everyone takes you for granted, that sometimes you gotta take shit into your own hands because it is simply not good for you, that feelings do not disappear overnight when someone means the world to you, and that love isn’t love if it’s one-sided.

 

To tell or not to

So I found out today that I’ll be getting a small (couple $ short of 2k before taxes) bonus. In 10yrs I’ve never done this and I’m sitting here not wanting to tell my husband about it for a number of reasons

• Current marriage situation–read prior posts
• Joint bank account that he doesn’t check or cares about–yes I could run away with everything BUT I was raised with morals
• I earn 50k more a yr than him now and have earned more than him for at least the last 5 years
• He pays monthly child support for two kids

Thoughts!?!

FUCK–why can I see my entire world in your eyes??

Yes, yours and only yours!?! Today, I officially got confirmation from the hiring manager that she was sending the recruiter CB’s conditional job offer…relief, anxiety, happiness, anger, FILL THE BLANK with any emotion PLEASE started washing over me! Of course I HAD to tell him and while I wanted to give him an “I’m so happy for you that this is one less stress for you to worry about KISS” I simply laughed and gave him a high-5…a fckng high5…seriously?!?! Almost 2 yrs of this and that’s all I could do because I didn’t want to cross the line he drew on Tuesday. After he went back to his desk, I sent him a kissy emoji face on the chat and said “since i can’t give you one, here’s this one” He replied with “We can go for a walk and I can tell you why as much as I want to I can’t” At that moment my mind started going a million miles a second and my first thought was that his wife was pregnant–it made me want to hurl–yes perfectly normal in a marriage but he doesn’t want another one with her and that would just make him stay an settle forever (although he still might even without another child).

When we went for the walk, CB reminded me how amazing I am, how he loves how much I love him and show him that I do, how even with all the stuff we have gone through we continue to be level headed about the situation, and then he stopped talking and just looked at me while I said some stuff in response to his comments. Obviously while I was talking, I got teary eyed and I could see it was getting to him but he wouldn’t stop looking at me.

To add to all that, H and I had a huge fight on Tuesday night about whether after 10 yrs and 3 periods of counseling sessions behavior on his part should have changed enough that if he sees me in the kitchen for an hour, he should stop playing (insert name of any game), get up from the couch in the family room and ask me if i need help or if I should just ask. I see asking as dealing with a child, he says it’s not in him to ask so he wont ever. So it’s definitely getting to the point where lists have to be made about priorities, needs, and wants…in addition to figuring out if we are even still IN LOVE and can continue and want to put work into this marriage.

I know CB has been reading this blog and I know that he knows what’s going on through my head even when it doesn’t/can’t/ won’t come out of my mouth. One of our coworkers and I were talking about it this afternoon and she said “sometimes it takes missing out on someone great to wake up and realize what you deserve” and that CB and I are just torturing ourselves on a daily basis…yup…it SUCKS!

It’s not the words…it’s who’s saying them

First day back at work of 2017 even though I still have about 35 hours of leave to use by this Friday. I went in with the intent of seeing CB, going through emails since I hadn’t been there Friday, and leaving at noon or so–which didn’t happen. I was actually REALLY excited about seeing him today, I had seen him NYE in the morning, told my sister that night about him getting hired by work and coming right back into the office and how neither of the spouses know, but to add to all that H and I had an argument last night which only made me want to go back to last January/Feb when H and I were separated and CB was coming over every afternoon.

You see, for the last ten years I have been the type of wife most men would probably call superwoman–higher income in the house/responsible step-mom to where sometimes I had to take off because neither of the parents could due to the jobs/able to go workout, train for a half marathon AND still have a full dinner served by no later than 630pm. While I am proud that I can do all that, I have HAD to do all that!! In 10 yrs H has never had the initiative to ask while I’m in the process of cooking dinner “Hey–do you need help? Is there anything I can do?” Is it my fault that I have taken it all on my shoulders–maybe, it’s what I saw my mom doing because she was a stay at home mom and my dad wouldn’t get home until 530-6pm from work. I have for the last 10 yrs craved/desired/yearned/NEEDED to be part of a team an it is one of the many reasons H and I have gone to couple’s counseling not once, not twice, but three times. Add to that my desire for small acts of affections and wanting a family (which we both did when we started but he paid 1500 in child support so smart me chose to wait–now he’s on the fence).

This morning, during our (CB & I) morning chat, he shared that he had a good weekend with his wife. That they had discussed what they wanted out of their relationship, what each of them were still missing, what the other still needed to work on, and their plans for this year among other things. After the so-so weekend I had, that felt like a nice sharp knife straight to the gut! I got up to get my morning kiss and to go get breakfast ready (which I normally do for both of us) and didn’t see him move towards me–talk about slap to the face and not knowing how to react–all I wanted to do was cry, which I’ve been doing since I left work. It’s crazy how something as silly as a kiss can affect you.

Our chat system was having issues so that only allowed us to talk a bit about it through the day and his bottom line was that he felt like we were going right back to where we were before we got caught last April (sex, texts, emotions), that it wasn’t emotionally healthy for either of us but mostly him, and that he was putting his kids’ happiness before his own even if it meant she wasn’t everything he wanted.

Being in my shoes right now SUCKS!! I see him every day, have all these emotions that don’t go away, the unpredictability of my marriage makes me gravitate towards him more because of our connection, I love seeing him happy, and I know we are both settling.

Pen and Paper in hand–will be writing things I want in my marriage. Even though H says he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce, I don’t think the old dog is willing to change or learn new tricks—ever optimist in me has hoped for 10 yrs, what’s another 6 months.

Last day of 2016!

LE SIGH!!! This year went by way to fcking quick–just like my life seem to be lately! Full of ups and downs, uncertainties, and all kinds of questions. I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling like this so I figured I’d write a bit about it. I’m sitting here with a splitting headache and wanting to just stay home tonight instead of going to my brother’s to celebrate with the H and the rest of my family—going under protest.

As I sit here on this last day of 2016 I can’t help but to think about what I’ve been through this year, learned about myself, learned about others, accomplishments, wants, and NEEDS! I also can’t help to think about CB and be thankful! You might wonder why I’m thankful for him if what we have is just an amazing friendship, a crazy spot on bond, a kick ass connection, and have to deal with keeping all of it a secret. Well–you just read why I am thankful for him!

In the last year and half, CB has made me feel a whole lot of emotions that I didn’t know existed or that I could feel. He has made me feel loved, desired, valued, and worth a lot more than I every thought I was. I can wholeheartedly say he has helped me and made me look at life with gratitude and a smile on my face 24/7 (or at least 16/7–a girl’s gotta sleep).

I was lucky enough to catch up with CB for a bit this morning and get those kisses that turn me (turn both of us) into a puddle–now I can say my 2016 will end somewhat ok. Obviously my idealistic self would love to be able to end 2016 and begin 2017 with CB but for now I’ll settle.

Things I will try to do in 2017:

• Let go of my ego and stop allowing it to get in the way of having the things I truly want
• Learn how to do something new
• Take day trips (even if it’s just me -alone)
• Eliminate one form of negativity
• Practice gratitude all the time
• Stop trying to please everyone
• Go on an adventure
• Travel
• Practice random acts of kindness
• Communicate more with family and friends
• Do things I enjoy with people I whose company I enjoy
• Meditate
• Journal or keep writing here

Hope you have a great end of 2016!!

Christmas has lost it zeal for me

I’m sitting here staring at my now gift-less Christmas tree, after a loud PRican brunch at our house, surrounded by family YET feeling empty. This is probably the 2nd or 3rd Christmas where the lead up is ehh and then the actual day is here and when it’s done I feel worse than when it all started. 

Growing up we always used to have Christmas Eve dinner and it was a family affair. As we have all grown up Christmas Eve at my parents has stopped happening and now it has turned into just Christmas morning brunch, leaving all those traditions I grew up with behind. Yes, I cooked a Christmas Eve dinner but it being just the H, his kids, and I leaves me feeling alone and a bit of an outsider. When you add to that the constant fights between my stepdaughter and I, which right now have been going on for a week non stop, I just want to crawl in a hole/my room/get on a plane and disappear!!! 

I’m not sure if the lack of Christmas happiness comes from my desire to have a child, the fact that for the 2nd Christmas in a row I purchased all my gifts (joint bank account but H won’t buy anything without a wishlist), wanting a happier/more stable marriage, wanting H to be more thoughtful and put more effort into our relationship, wanting out of the marriage, wanting to hear/spend time with CB, or still having the feelings I have for CB. Yes, my mind and emotions are all over the place!!!

CB and I were supposed to spend time Thursday afternoon and then Friday. Unfortunately, I only got to surprise him at the gym for a bit, we met at the local park (because I wanted his kisses and wasn’t trying to get them in front of people who see him at the gym with his  wife), and then found out that she had changed since her work schedule-fckng up the plans we had for Friday. Yesterday I went on Instagram and saw that he posted a picture with just his daughter which likely meant he was home alone. We have agreed that we won’t message, well mostly that I won’t message him unless I’m 100% sure that she isn’t home  -because while he’s unhappy with her, his kids are still there and his priority, if she were to find out we have hidden an entire year of 8hrs at work/hanging out outside/still having the conversation that got us to the original place-she’d leave and take their daughter. But back to yesterday, I felt like shit when I saw that picture and couldn’t say anything to him because last I had heard on Thursday, she wasn’t working yesterday and I wasn’t going to risk not being able to talk to him. 

I’m sitting here trying to figure out the why and with only 6 days left of 2016 it seems like the perfect time for some introspection–heart to heart with H, what do I do about CB, what do I want and need–all thoughts that need answers.

Hope as you read this you are in a better mood than I and had a very Merry Christmas!

It’s an icy mess outside, I feel like the cold that has been going around the office for the last month is trying to make it’s way to me, I’m still in pj’s at 3:50pm, and all I want is to cuddle on the couch with my head on CB’s lap and have him rub my head the way he usually does when my head hurts.

This week was slow and busy at work, CB and I had some time to hangout on Tuesday and yesterday. Tuesday was a quick couple of kisses and yesterday we went and grabbed a couple of drinks to celebrate his still not official job. I had a completely different idea in mind of course, I wanted to get some and then go hangout, and he didn’t. After getting caught the first time, he’s scared of coming to my house (mind you we did it for a yr), and since he has neighbors that talk with his wife I’m not going to his place. So rather than arguing about it, because that was were it was heading, I backed off and told him I was ok with whatever he wanted to do. We ended up meeting up for a couple beers, nice talk, hardly looked at our phones, some kissing, and then each of us went on our merry way. Spending time with him is like spending time with someone my soul has known forever!

Today, I’m here with the sleeping pups behind me and with an empty house around me. H decided he wanted to go hunting so he left at like 1 after buying me some soup I asked him to get. Priority clearly wasn’t/isn’t me.

CB got his boxers in a twist Thurs/Friday because he’s worried I’m going to go back to feeling like I did a year ago- when we were extremely aware of what each of us wanted and our spouses weren’t providing. You see, when I first met him, he used to have a part-time job at night because she didn’t work, that job was really quiet, and ALL he used to do was think…think about his life, his kids, me, why, us, me vs. her, name it he thought about it during those 4-5 hours at the part-time but most nights he used to come out to a nice message or dinner waiting for him.

I still don’t know what got him thinking this week, while he denies it- part of me thinks it’s because he’s worried about finding himself where he was a year ago and feeling like he did then but he rather project it on me and be worried about me going back to a year ago- the other part of me doesn’t know what to think. He also got kinda pissy about the fact that I was going to get him a Christmas gift–that got me mad because he automatically tied the Christmas gift to the same emotions and things we did a year ago that he doesn’t want me to feel now. I’m trying to not overthink it but laying on the couch feeling blah is not helping at all.

“Love shouldn’t be exhausting. It shouldn’t leave you feeling stressed out, less than, and underappreciated. Love is supposed to be free, natural, a release from the monotony, and routines of life. Love won’t leave you drained; it won’t leave you depressed, lost, or distraught. Love is a healer, love is a friend, and love is a protector. Loving isn’t easy, it’s a challenge, but when it’s good, it’s a treasure. Real love won’t break you, it will build you. It will bring out the best in you.” ~ Rob Hill Sr.

 

 

 

As if we needed more proof!!

WTF!?!!! Our souls must clearly be having fun and think t’s not enough for this karmic connection to exist between us and get thrown in our faces constantly. Months ago a couple of us put in a recommendation with hiring managers for CB to permanently get hired. Today, as I suspected and EXPECTED it would happen, I found out my company is wanting to hire him and more than likely they want him hired on my team! 

He wasn’t at work today so he has no fckng clue what has transpired but today I was a slight mess. Reasons why I was a mess, too many, but bottom line is that as long as our respective situations are what they are and even if they weren’t and we were actually seeing each other, nepotism is a very big deal to our company. Only a couple of people know what happened between us at the beginning of the year, but one of them is someone in a higher position than mine, whom I had to inform when CB’s wife threatened to contact work.
Bottom line–I’m excited to tell him what I was told about his prospective job. However, I do wonder if he gets the job will he forever think about how yes it was partly his skills but mostly my contacts? Not sure what kind of impact that would have on him. 🤔