First day back at work of 2017 even though I still have about 35 hours of leave to use by this Friday. I went in with the intent of seeing CB, going through emails since I hadn’t been there Friday, and leaving at noon or so–which didn’t happen. I was actually REALLY excited about seeing him today, I had seen him NYE in the morning, told my sister that night about him getting hired by work and coming right back into the office and how neither of the spouses know, but to add to all that H and I had an argument last night which only made me want to go back to last January/Feb when H and I were separated and CB was coming over every afternoon.
You see, for the last ten years I have been the type of wife most men would probably call superwoman–higher income in the house/responsible step-mom to where sometimes I had to take off because neither of the parents could due to the jobs/able to go workout, train for a half marathon AND still have a full dinner served by no later than 630pm. While I am proud that I can do all that, I have HAD to do all that!! In 10 yrs H has never had the initiative to ask while I’m in the process of cooking dinner “Hey–do you need help? Is there anything I can do?” Is it my fault that I have taken it all on my shoulders–maybe, it’s what I saw my mom doing because she was a stay at home mom and my dad wouldn’t get home until 530-6pm from work. I have for the last 10 yrs craved/desired/yearned/NEEDED to be part of a team an it is one of the many reasons H and I have gone to couple’s counseling not once, not twice, but three times. Add to that my desire for small acts of affections and wanting a family (which we both did when we started but he paid 1500 in child support so smart me chose to wait–now he’s on the fence).
This morning, during our (CB & I) morning chat, he shared that he had a good weekend with his wife. That they had discussed what they wanted out of their relationship, what each of them were still missing, what the other still needed to work on, and their plans for this year among other things. After the so-so weekend I had, that felt like a nice sharp knife straight to the gut! I got up to get my morning kiss and to go get breakfast ready (which I normally do for both of us) and didn’t see him move towards me–talk about slap to the face and not knowing how to react–all I wanted to do was cry, which I’ve been doing since I left work. It’s crazy how something as silly as a kiss can affect you.
Our chat system was having issues so that only allowed us to talk a bit about it through the day and his bottom line was that he felt like we were going right back to where we were before we got caught last April (sex, texts, emotions), that it wasn’t emotionally healthy for either of us but mostly him, and that he was putting his kids’ happiness before his own even if it meant she wasn’t everything he wanted.
Being in my shoes right now SUCKS!! I see him every day, have all these emotions that don’t go away, the unpredictability of my marriage makes me gravitate towards him more because of our connection, I love seeing him happy, and I know we are both settling.
Pen and Paper in hand–will be writing things I want in my marriage. Even though H says he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce, I don’t think the old dog is willing to change or learn new tricks—ever optimist in me has hoped for 10 yrs, what’s another 6 months.
When Love Just Ain't Enough 