Not forever but I’m still a MESS!!

So I guess my last post was a week ago, when I asked my boss if I could keep the position and CB in my branch upon his return to the division. So for the last month or so, CB has been doing things required to terminate his old job and be able to move to the new one. Through that process, he would come in the office for a couple of hours, sit with me and chat for at least 10-15 mins before he or I got really into doing any work, give me a kiss, and then go back to his desk. We’d message for as little or as long as he was in the office and then he would let me know when he was about to leave and either come back in or I would walk out with him so he could give me a kiss.

The last month has been insane for me at work but starting every day with CB there has been my only source of sanity, aside from getting home so late that there is really no need for small talk and monotonous interaction with the husband. Well after 102 hours in the last two weeks- I took last Friday off (husband was out of town)- scheduled a massage for that day and since it was CB’s last day in the office (until the processing for him to come back is complete and his W was working) we chose to get a hotel room and hangout all day. It had been a while since we had done that and while laying there I acknowledged how great it felt to be able to just be there, with him, talking about everything, and just being able to enjoy each others company. The entire 5-6 hours were amazing–no social media looked at, no phone calls answered, we didn’t even turn the TV on–funny thing is even when I lived alone last yr–i think we watched TV once and it was a basketball game. Before we left the hotel that afternoon he told me he would be having breakfast at a local fast food place, next to where I had my hair appointment Saturday morning, and asked if I could/would join him.

Saturday morning came around, I met him for breakfast, and while it was only about 40 mins that we sat there, it was great to be able to do something to simple with him. I usually bring breakfast for both of us to work–where no one sees–but having breakfast with him outside of work felt great. We then kissed good-bye, he went to get his kid, and I went to my hair appointment. We were chatting while I was at my appointment and as I sat there it hit me that tomorrow (2/6) and for the next couple of weeks I won’t be able to hear his voice, smell his cologne, or see his smile as he walks into my office to say good morning. I’m sure you can imagine how the tears started flowing even as I type this those tears still fall. I got so emotional that I made him “pinky swear” that regardless of how in control he wants to be of his emotions, he’d tell me the truth about whether he missed me or not–and that missing the sex and kisses didn’t count as missing me (as great as we click on both of these). He said “yes I pinky swear, it’s not like I won’t be talking to you.” I then thanked him for all the “silly happiness” he has brought to my life for the last two years.

He did share the days he would be alone at home and we agreed that I would try my hardest to leave work on time those days so that we could meet somewhere and catch up. I’m happy the process he’s going through has flown by in comparison to others and will stay positive that he’s back in the office by the end of the month. Missing him is only a sign of how much he’s going to miss me.

As June (deadline to re-evaluate my marriage) approaches I feel the need for more self discovery, introspection, and really putting down in black and white what it is that I want from here forward. In order to do that, and with the strong encouragement from one of my best friends, I’ve started meditating and writing in a journal. I have to work on more positive talking/thinking, acceptance, and unconditional love of self–any advice on these would be great!

FUCK–why can I see my entire world in your eyes??

Yes, yours and only yours!?! Today, I officially got confirmation from the hiring manager that she was sending the recruiter CB’s conditional job offer…relief, anxiety, happiness, anger, FILL THE BLANK with any emotion PLEASE started washing over me! Of course I HAD to tell him and while I wanted to give him an “I’m so happy for you that this is one less stress for you to worry about KISS” I simply laughed and gave him a high-5…a fckng high5…seriously?!?! Almost 2 yrs of this and that’s all I could do because I didn’t want to cross the line he drew on Tuesday. After he went back to his desk, I sent him a kissy emoji face on the chat and said “since i can’t give you one, here’s this one” He replied with “We can go for a walk and I can tell you why as much as I want to I can’t” At that moment my mind started going a million miles a second and my first thought was that his wife was pregnant–it made me want to hurl–yes perfectly normal in a marriage but he doesn’t want another one with her and that would just make him stay an settle forever (although he still might even without another child).

When we went for the walk, CB reminded me how amazing I am, how he loves how much I love him and show him that I do, how even with all the stuff we have gone through we continue to be level headed about the situation, and then he stopped talking and just looked at me while I said some stuff in response to his comments. Obviously while I was talking, I got teary eyed and I could see it was getting to him but he wouldn’t stop looking at me.

To add to all that, H and I had a huge fight on Tuesday night about whether after 10 yrs and 3 periods of counseling sessions behavior on his part should have changed enough that if he sees me in the kitchen for an hour, he should stop playing (insert name of any game), get up from the couch in the family room and ask me if i need help or if I should just ask. I see asking as dealing with a child, he says it’s not in him to ask so he wont ever. So it’s definitely getting to the point where lists have to be made about priorities, needs, and wants…in addition to figuring out if we are even still IN LOVE and can continue and want to put work into this marriage.

I know CB has been reading this blog and I know that he knows what’s going on through my head even when it doesn’t/can’t/ won’t come out of my mouth. One of our coworkers and I were talking about it this afternoon and she said “sometimes it takes missing out on someone great to wake up and realize what you deserve” and that CB and I are just torturing ourselves on a daily basis…yup…it SUCKS!

It’s not the words…it’s who’s saying them

First day back at work of 2017 even though I still have about 35 hours of leave to use by this Friday. I went in with the intent of seeing CB, going through emails since I hadn’t been there Friday, and leaving at noon or so–which didn’t happen. I was actually REALLY excited about seeing him today, I had seen him NYE in the morning, told my sister that night about him getting hired by work and coming right back into the office and how neither of the spouses know, but to add to all that H and I had an argument last night which only made me want to go back to last January/Feb when H and I were separated and CB was coming over every afternoon.

You see, for the last ten years I have been the type of wife most men would probably call superwoman–higher income in the house/responsible step-mom to where sometimes I had to take off because neither of the parents could due to the jobs/able to go workout, train for a half marathon AND still have a full dinner served by no later than 630pm. While I am proud that I can do all that, I have HAD to do all that!! In 10 yrs H has never had the initiative to ask while I’m in the process of cooking dinner “Hey–do you need help? Is there anything I can do?” Is it my fault that I have taken it all on my shoulders–maybe, it’s what I saw my mom doing because she was a stay at home mom and my dad wouldn’t get home until 530-6pm from work. I have for the last 10 yrs craved/desired/yearned/NEEDED to be part of a team an it is one of the many reasons H and I have gone to couple’s counseling not once, not twice, but three times. Add to that my desire for small acts of affections and wanting a family (which we both did when we started but he paid 1500 in child support so smart me chose to wait–now he’s on the fence).

This morning, during our (CB & I) morning chat, he shared that he had a good weekend with his wife. That they had discussed what they wanted out of their relationship, what each of them were still missing, what the other still needed to work on, and their plans for this year among other things. After the so-so weekend I had, that felt like a nice sharp knife straight to the gut! I got up to get my morning kiss and to go get breakfast ready (which I normally do for both of us) and didn’t see him move towards me–talk about slap to the face and not knowing how to react–all I wanted to do was cry, which I’ve been doing since I left work. It’s crazy how something as silly as a kiss can affect you.

Our chat system was having issues so that only allowed us to talk a bit about it through the day and his bottom line was that he felt like we were going right back to where we were before we got caught last April (sex, texts, emotions), that it wasn’t emotionally healthy for either of us but mostly him, and that he was putting his kids’ happiness before his own even if it meant she wasn’t everything he wanted.

Being in my shoes right now SUCKS!! I see him every day, have all these emotions that don’t go away, the unpredictability of my marriage makes me gravitate towards him more because of our connection, I love seeing him happy, and I know we are both settling.

Pen and Paper in hand–will be writing things I want in my marriage. Even though H says he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce, I don’t think the old dog is willing to change or learn new tricks—ever optimist in me has hoped for 10 yrs, what’s another 6 months.

Last day of 2016!

LE SIGH!!! This year went by way to fcking quick–just like my life seem to be lately! Full of ups and downs, uncertainties, and all kinds of questions. I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling like this so I figured I’d write a bit about it. I’m sitting here with a splitting headache and wanting to just stay home tonight instead of going to my brother’s to celebrate with the H and the rest of my family—going under protest.

As I sit here on this last day of 2016 I can’t help but to think about what I’ve been through this year, learned about myself, learned about others, accomplishments, wants, and NEEDS! I also can’t help to think about CB and be thankful! You might wonder why I’m thankful for him if what we have is just an amazing friendship, a crazy spot on bond, a kick ass connection, and have to deal with keeping all of it a secret. Well–you just read why I am thankful for him!

In the last year and half, CB has made me feel a whole lot of emotions that I didn’t know existed or that I could feel. He has made me feel loved, desired, valued, and worth a lot more than I every thought I was. I can wholeheartedly say he has helped me and made me look at life with gratitude and a smile on my face 24/7 (or at least 16/7–a girl’s gotta sleep).

I was lucky enough to catch up with CB for a bit this morning and get those kisses that turn me (turn both of us) into a puddle–now I can say my 2016 will end somewhat ok. Obviously my idealistic self would love to be able to end 2016 and begin 2017 with CB but for now I’ll settle.

Things I will try to do in 2017:

• Let go of my ego and stop allowing it to get in the way of having the things I truly want
• Learn how to do something new
• Take day trips (even if it’s just me -alone)
• Eliminate one form of negativity
• Practice gratitude all the time
• Stop trying to please everyone
• Go on an adventure
• Travel
• Practice random acts of kindness
• Communicate more with family and friends
• Do things I enjoy with people I whose company I enjoy
• Meditate
• Journal or keep writing here

Hope you have a great end of 2016!!

We are just “FINE”

Yup…fine!

Fine with the day to day, the monotony, the doing and not getting anything back, the wondering how much happier we could be, and that not being able to feel satiated when we are with each other feeling! Worse part is…the desire is no longer just physical and hasn’t been in a long time, it crossed that line a while back.

It’s crazy how the smallest thing/action/look/thought can lead to these deep conversations CB and I continue to have. Today’s topic was how come neither of us argues/fights with our spouses anymore. He said he was thinking about it yesterday after work and finally understood why. In any relationship there comes a point where you have had enough and go on about your life while trying to not cause any big waves. CB and I agreed today that is where we both are. There’s no sense in arguing with the spouses anymore because we know the path it leads to, we have also both come to realize that what we (CB and I) have will never be in our marriages. We know it’s not right but we rather keep doing what we are doing and be 100% happy for that limited amount of time.

Today CB came up to me because I wanted to tell him something – which when he was in front of me and I smelled his cologne – I completely forgot. He then joked and said “you were going to ask me to marry you” a comment that shocked the shit out me because that comment would certainly come out of the mouth of a die-hard romantic like me; however, it came out of his!!

At that moment, after composing myself, I mustered the courage to tell him about this blog. Until today, only one of my female friends and coworker of ours (who knows the entire story) knew about it. He got this smirk on his lips and asked me how long I had been writing it and why. I told him–about a month and because I needed to share/vent/let emotions out with someone even if it was the entire digital world. Not sure if I’ll give him the link to it tomorrow or not..after all this is all about him, I figured if it were me, I’d want to know if someone where writing about me and what they were writing.

After a year, it still leaves me speechless the way in which his touch, our talks, his kisses, and just his presence moves me and makes me feel emotions/feelings/desires I had never felt with anyone else.

Growing up I had heard when you meet that one person you’ll see your future in their eyes–didn’t believe that until a year ago–unfortunately that person is already taken.

True self and love

I should be sleeping but instead I’m laying in bed staring at this tiny screen on my phone wanting to put some thoughts down. While this week was short at work (I’m off until next Monday) it was extremely busy and today a bit emotional. “CB” was off yesterday but at work today so like usual yesterday’s outfit was a lot more subdued than today’s because if feels insanely great to have him tell me how amazing I look. Today he showed up to work looking like a sick little boy, he’s been fighting a head-cold for about a week now but the only one trying to take care of him apparently is me. 

I had a meeting at 1030 and before going to it, I sent him a chat message letting him know that I had made him hot tea and put cough drops next to it and to come grab them out of my office. When I came back in I saw that everything was gone and that I had a chat message that said “why are you so good to me.” We’ve had this thing, for a year and half now, that whenever either of us asked a stupid/you know the answer kind of question we would just GGGRRR at each other, either in person/chat/texts–that was my immediate response and then I told him “if you have to ask then you still don’t know me like I thought you did.” He proceeded to tell me that he did know me, that because of the way he was he felt awful not being able to do anything for me when I went out of my way for him. The only answer I could give at that point was “well maybe life is letting all these add up and eventually you’ll get the rest of your life to make it up to me”–maybe corny but definitely fits where we both are right now.

A couple hours passed and I couldn’t shake off the sad/wanting to cry/can’t stop thinking feeling so I told him that. He immediately came into my office and he asked why. After all this time, we both can read each other like the back of our hand, so I told him that I was sad cuz I knew that his question was loaded with feelings and other things he wasn’t telling me, to which he joked that I read too much into stuff. I told him that his question to me meant at least three things: 

• While he had asked her to be a wife/friend/partner and do for him what he did for her–she was still not and he was still not appreciated 
• As much as we have tried to get rid of our feelings for each other, they are still there
• Regardless of the circumstances behind how we met and what is still happening, we would do anything to ensure the other was taken care of and felt it

I lay here tearing up because I can still hear his nervous laughter from this afternoon and then his “yes you are right and we can’t hide anything from each other regardless of how much we try.” All I could do at that moment was get up from my chair and wrap my arms around him to hug him and kiss his forehead. Before I left work today I left him a mug with the bags of tea, the cough drops, and a little note that he will get tomorrow morning as I’m driving 10hrs to spend thanksgiving with my husbands’ family and away from mine.

I hate that by the time I’m done writing them, these blogs are totally structure-less but I guess the bottom line of tonight’s is –who do you show your true self to?? Is it your spouse, parents, siblings, or best friends? Does anyone even get to see your entire true self or do you show different personas to different people?

It’s a sucky situation to be in when the person who knows you and connects with you on multiple levels is limited to 8hr work days and then each of you go home to acceptable/settling lives.