Not forever but I’m still a MESS!!

So I guess my last post was a week ago, when I asked my boss if I could keep the position and CB in my branch upon his return to the division. So for the last month or so, CB has been doing things required to terminate his old job and be able to move to the new one. Through that process, he would come in the office for a couple of hours, sit with me and chat for at least 10-15 mins before he or I got really into doing any work, give me a kiss, and then go back to his desk. We’d message for as little or as long as he was in the office and then he would let me know when he was about to leave and either come back in or I would walk out with him so he could give me a kiss.

The last month has been insane for me at work but starting every day with CB there has been my only source of sanity, aside from getting home so late that there is really no need for small talk and monotonous interaction with the husband. Well after 102 hours in the last two weeks- I took last Friday off (husband was out of town)- scheduled a massage for that day and since it was CB’s last day in the office (until the processing for him to come back is complete and his W was working) we chose to get a hotel room and hangout all day. It had been a while since we had done that and while laying there I acknowledged how great it felt to be able to just be there, with him, talking about everything, and just being able to enjoy each others company. The entire 5-6 hours were amazing–no social media looked at, no phone calls answered, we didn’t even turn the TV on–funny thing is even when I lived alone last yr–i think we watched TV once and it was a basketball game. Before we left the hotel that afternoon he told me he would be having breakfast at a local fast food place, next to where I had my hair appointment Saturday morning, and asked if I could/would join him.

Saturday morning came around, I met him for breakfast, and while it was only about 40 mins that we sat there, it was great to be able to do something to simple with him. I usually bring breakfast for both of us to work–where no one sees–but having breakfast with him outside of work felt great. We then kissed good-bye, he went to get his kid, and I went to my hair appointment. We were chatting while I was at my appointment and as I sat there it hit me that tomorrow (2/6) and for the next couple of weeks I won’t be able to hear his voice, smell his cologne, or see his smile as he walks into my office to say good morning. I’m sure you can imagine how the tears started flowing even as I type this those tears still fall. I got so emotional that I made him “pinky swear” that regardless of how in control he wants to be of his emotions, he’d tell me the truth about whether he missed me or not–and that missing the sex and kisses didn’t count as missing me (as great as we click on both of these). He said “yes I pinky swear, it’s not like I won’t be talking to you.” I then thanked him for all the “silly happiness” he has brought to my life for the last two years.

He did share the days he would be alone at home and we agreed that I would try my hardest to leave work on time those days so that we could meet somewhere and catch up. I’m happy the process he’s going through has flown by in comparison to others and will stay positive that he’s back in the office by the end of the month. Missing him is only a sign of how much he’s going to miss me.

As June (deadline to re-evaluate my marriage) approaches I feel the need for more self discovery, introspection, and really putting down in black and white what it is that I want from here forward. In order to do that, and with the strong encouragement from one of my best friends, I’ve started meditating and writing in a journal. I have to work on more positive talking/thinking, acceptance, and unconditional love of self–any advice on these would be great!

When you least expect it, disappointment strikes!!

Feeling alone, lack of effort from the other person, feeling like everything is one-sided, no messages back, inadequate, and yet again not enough. Sitting here trying to make sense of my feelings, my life, what’s missing, the affair, why CB, and why regardless of the fact that we are nothing I feel the need to continue doing things to make CB feel special when the lack of reciprocity makes me feel like shit?

Today is yet another Saturday that I find myself home alone with the pups and my thoughts because the husband decided he wanted to go hunting. However, it’s not like any other Saturday, because today CB went with this dad to the basketball game I got him tickets to (Christmas gift). While at work yesterday I asked him to post a picture so at least I could see he was enjoying it and he did. When I saw the picture I sent him a chat message on the app we have been using and I noticed that while he turned the time-stamp notice off I still saw he had read the messages but I wasn’t getting a reply back. I sent 3 really short ones and never got a response back. Anger, frustration, and sadness all felt at the same time and then it hit me–it doesn’t matter how much you love and care for someone, only the right person at the right time will know how to and be able to do the same for you.

God, how I wish I could just turn off every drop of pride, caring, joy, and love I feel for this man!! If I were able to maybe then, just maybe, would I be able to acknowledge that what I got from CB at one point was honest but now is just his game, and also deal with all the shit at home, and realize that while husband loves me he doesn’t get me/we can’t communicate/we were meant to walk two different paths.

I don’t know how to be just friends with CB anymore but somehow I have to put up a wall or a huge fucking lock on my heart and my emotions for the next three weeks. He will be out of the office on 4 Feb and who knows how long his re-hiring will take but I need to do this for me, because I know I am stronger than this, because I know I deserve at least a stupid text back even if it was just -thanks again for the seats. NFS–Hoy me hiciste sentir como una cualquiera que solo usas cuando te conviene.

There comes a point when you realize that enough is enough, that you constantly give and give and everyone takes you for granted, that sometimes you gotta take shit into your own hands because it is simply not good for you, that feelings do not disappear overnight when someone means the world to you, and that love isn’t love if it’s one-sided.

 

FUCK–why can I see my entire world in your eyes??

Yes, yours and only yours!?! Today, I officially got confirmation from the hiring manager that she was sending the recruiter CB’s conditional job offer…relief, anxiety, happiness, anger, FILL THE BLANK with any emotion PLEASE started washing over me! Of course I HAD to tell him and while I wanted to give him an “I’m so happy for you that this is one less stress for you to worry about KISS” I simply laughed and gave him a high-5…a fckng high5…seriously?!?! Almost 2 yrs of this and that’s all I could do because I didn’t want to cross the line he drew on Tuesday. After he went back to his desk, I sent him a kissy emoji face on the chat and said “since i can’t give you one, here’s this one” He replied with “We can go for a walk and I can tell you why as much as I want to I can’t” At that moment my mind started going a million miles a second and my first thought was that his wife was pregnant–it made me want to hurl–yes perfectly normal in a marriage but he doesn’t want another one with her and that would just make him stay an settle forever (although he still might even without another child).

When we went for the walk, CB reminded me how amazing I am, how he loves how much I love him and show him that I do, how even with all the stuff we have gone through we continue to be level headed about the situation, and then he stopped talking and just looked at me while I said some stuff in response to his comments. Obviously while I was talking, I got teary eyed and I could see it was getting to him but he wouldn’t stop looking at me.

To add to all that, H and I had a huge fight on Tuesday night about whether after 10 yrs and 3 periods of counseling sessions behavior on his part should have changed enough that if he sees me in the kitchen for an hour, he should stop playing (insert name of any game), get up from the couch in the family room and ask me if i need help or if I should just ask. I see asking as dealing with a child, he says it’s not in him to ask so he wont ever. So it’s definitely getting to the point where lists have to be made about priorities, needs, and wants…in addition to figuring out if we are even still IN LOVE and can continue and want to put work into this marriage.

I know CB has been reading this blog and I know that he knows what’s going on through my head even when it doesn’t/can’t/ won’t come out of my mouth. One of our coworkers and I were talking about it this afternoon and she said “sometimes it takes missing out on someone great to wake up and realize what you deserve” and that CB and I are just torturing ourselves on a daily basis…yup…it SUCKS!

It’s not the words…it’s who’s saying them

First day back at work of 2017 even though I still have about 35 hours of leave to use by this Friday. I went in with the intent of seeing CB, going through emails since I hadn’t been there Friday, and leaving at noon or so–which didn’t happen. I was actually REALLY excited about seeing him today, I had seen him NYE in the morning, told my sister that night about him getting hired by work and coming right back into the office and how neither of the spouses know, but to add to all that H and I had an argument last night which only made me want to go back to last January/Feb when H and I were separated and CB was coming over every afternoon.

You see, for the last ten years I have been the type of wife most men would probably call superwoman–higher income in the house/responsible step-mom to where sometimes I had to take off because neither of the parents could due to the jobs/able to go workout, train for a half marathon AND still have a full dinner served by no later than 630pm. While I am proud that I can do all that, I have HAD to do all that!! In 10 yrs H has never had the initiative to ask while I’m in the process of cooking dinner “Hey–do you need help? Is there anything I can do?” Is it my fault that I have taken it all on my shoulders–maybe, it’s what I saw my mom doing because she was a stay at home mom and my dad wouldn’t get home until 530-6pm from work. I have for the last 10 yrs craved/desired/yearned/NEEDED to be part of a team an it is one of the many reasons H and I have gone to couple’s counseling not once, not twice, but three times. Add to that my desire for small acts of affections and wanting a family (which we both did when we started but he paid 1500 in child support so smart me chose to wait–now he’s on the fence).

This morning, during our (CB & I) morning chat, he shared that he had a good weekend with his wife. That they had discussed what they wanted out of their relationship, what each of them were still missing, what the other still needed to work on, and their plans for this year among other things. After the so-so weekend I had, that felt like a nice sharp knife straight to the gut! I got up to get my morning kiss and to go get breakfast ready (which I normally do for both of us) and didn’t see him move towards me–talk about slap to the face and not knowing how to react–all I wanted to do was cry, which I’ve been doing since I left work. It’s crazy how something as silly as a kiss can affect you.

Our chat system was having issues so that only allowed us to talk a bit about it through the day and his bottom line was that he felt like we were going right back to where we were before we got caught last April (sex, texts, emotions), that it wasn’t emotionally healthy for either of us but mostly him, and that he was putting his kids’ happiness before his own even if it meant she wasn’t everything he wanted.

Being in my shoes right now SUCKS!! I see him every day, have all these emotions that don’t go away, the unpredictability of my marriage makes me gravitate towards him more because of our connection, I love seeing him happy, and I know we are both settling.

Pen and Paper in hand–will be writing things I want in my marriage. Even though H says he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce, I don’t think the old dog is willing to change or learn new tricks—ever optimist in me has hoped for 10 yrs, what’s another 6 months.

It’s an icy mess outside, I feel like the cold that has been going around the office for the last month is trying to make it’s way to me, I’m still in pj’s at 3:50pm, and all I want is to cuddle on the couch with my head on CB’s lap and have him rub my head the way he usually does when my head hurts.

This week was slow and busy at work, CB and I had some time to hangout on Tuesday and yesterday. Tuesday was a quick couple of kisses and yesterday we went and grabbed a couple of drinks to celebrate his still not official job. I had a completely different idea in mind of course, I wanted to get some and then go hangout, and he didn’t. After getting caught the first time, he’s scared of coming to my house (mind you we did it for a yr), and since he has neighbors that talk with his wife I’m not going to his place. So rather than arguing about it, because that was were it was heading, I backed off and told him I was ok with whatever he wanted to do. We ended up meeting up for a couple beers, nice talk, hardly looked at our phones, some kissing, and then each of us went on our merry way. Spending time with him is like spending time with someone my soul has known forever!

Today, I’m here with the sleeping pups behind me and with an empty house around me. H decided he wanted to go hunting so he left at like 1 after buying me some soup I asked him to get. Priority clearly wasn’t/isn’t me.

CB got his boxers in a twist Thurs/Friday because he’s worried I’m going to go back to feeling like I did a year ago- when we were extremely aware of what each of us wanted and our spouses weren’t providing. You see, when I first met him, he used to have a part-time job at night because she didn’t work, that job was really quiet, and ALL he used to do was think…think about his life, his kids, me, why, us, me vs. her, name it he thought about it during those 4-5 hours at the part-time but most nights he used to come out to a nice message or dinner waiting for him.

I still don’t know what got him thinking this week, while he denies it- part of me thinks it’s because he’s worried about finding himself where he was a year ago and feeling like he did then but he rather project it on me and be worried about me going back to a year ago- the other part of me doesn’t know what to think. He also got kinda pissy about the fact that I was going to get him a Christmas gift–that got me mad because he automatically tied the Christmas gift to the same emotions and things we did a year ago that he doesn’t want me to feel now. I’m trying to not overthink it but laying on the couch feeling blah is not helping at all.

“Love shouldn’t be exhausting. It shouldn’t leave you feeling stressed out, less than, and underappreciated. Love is supposed to be free, natural, a release from the monotony, and routines of life. Love won’t leave you drained; it won’t leave you depressed, lost, or distraught. Love is a healer, love is a friend, and love is a protector. Loving isn’t easy, it’s a challenge, but when it’s good, it’s a treasure. Real love won’t break you, it will build you. It will bring out the best in you.” ~ Rob Hill Sr.

 

 

 

All I can do today is SMILE!!

Woke up with an INSANE headache from last night’s argument with h, the two beers, and the stress. Took all of 5  over the counter migraine meds through the day to finally get rid of the nasty thing. However, even with that today I was all smiles. Can you guess why??

So yesterday I thought I would hear from CB either prior to his interview or right after it but I didn’t so I was a ball of nerves the entire day and night. Right at 2:45 my boss came in my office to let me know a couple of things and to ask me if there was anything she should ask CB during his interview. I laughed, because she comes and asks me fully knowing what has transpired between CB and I, gave her a run down of things I knew he had been arduously trying to learn prior to the interview and then told her she could put him in the spot and just ask something related to that stuff. She said she wouldn’t and that she basically was going to tell the hiring team that we wanted him in the office.

This morning, like every other morning, CB came in the office to get his coffee and to have our daily chat and told me all about the interview. He giggled about a couple of questions he stumbled on during the interview and told me he had been nervous as hell even when he knew all the stuff I had already told him. Not long after, he sent me a chat told me that his current boss, whom he’ll continue working for, had told him everyone was really happy with his interview and that they were sending the hiring concurrence forward.

Here I am alone at home and I’m still smiling…smiling because I no longer have to say goodbye in a month, smiling because the only ones who really know how and why he got selected for the job are the two of us, smiling because his wife has no fckng clue that her spoiled @$$ wont have to work extra shifts to make ends meet partly because of my connections, tenure, and desire to help him and see him succeed, and smiling because I still get to smell his cologne every morning and spend at least 8 hrs a day with him.

🙂

We are just “FINE”

Yup…fine!

Fine with the day to day, the monotony, the doing and not getting anything back, the wondering how much happier we could be, and that not being able to feel satiated when we are with each other feeling! Worse part is…the desire is no longer just physical and hasn’t been in a long time, it crossed that line a while back.

It’s crazy how the smallest thing/action/look/thought can lead to these deep conversations CB and I continue to have. Today’s topic was how come neither of us argues/fights with our spouses anymore. He said he was thinking about it yesterday after work and finally understood why. In any relationship there comes a point where you have had enough and go on about your life while trying to not cause any big waves. CB and I agreed today that is where we both are. There’s no sense in arguing with the spouses anymore because we know the path it leads to, we have also both come to realize that what we (CB and I) have will never be in our marriages. We know it’s not right but we rather keep doing what we are doing and be 100% happy for that limited amount of time.

Today CB came up to me because I wanted to tell him something – which when he was in front of me and I smelled his cologne – I completely forgot. He then joked and said “you were going to ask me to marry you” a comment that shocked the shit out me because that comment would certainly come out of the mouth of a die-hard romantic like me; however, it came out of his!!

At that moment, after composing myself, I mustered the courage to tell him about this blog. Until today, only one of my female friends and coworker of ours (who knows the entire story) knew about it. He got this smirk on his lips and asked me how long I had been writing it and why. I told him–about a month and because I needed to share/vent/let emotions out with someone even if it was the entire digital world. Not sure if I’ll give him the link to it tomorrow or not..after all this is all about him, I figured if it were me, I’d want to know if someone where writing about me and what they were writing.

After a year, it still leaves me speechless the way in which his touch, our talks, his kisses, and just his presence moves me and makes me feel emotions/feelings/desires I had never felt with anyone else.

Growing up I had heard when you meet that one person you’ll see your future in their eyes–didn’t believe that until a year ago–unfortunately that person is already taken.