As if we needed more proof!!

WTF!?!!! Our souls must clearly be having fun and think t’s not enough for this karmic connection to exist between us and get thrown in our faces constantly. Months ago a couple of us put in a recommendation with hiring managers for CB to permanently get hired. Today, as I suspected and EXPECTED it would happen, I found out my company is wanting to hire him and more than likely they want him hired on my team! 

He wasn’t at work today so he has no fckng clue what has transpired but today I was a slight mess. Reasons why I was a mess, too many, but bottom line is that as long as our respective situations are what they are and even if they weren’t and we were actually seeing each other, nepotism is a very big deal to our company. Only a couple of people know what happened between us at the beginning of the year, but one of them is someone in a higher position than mine, whom I had to inform when CB’s wife threatened to contact work.
Bottom line–I’m excited to tell him what I was told about his prospective job. However, I do wonder if he gets the job will he forever think about how yes it was partly his skills but mostly my contacts? Not sure what kind of impact that would have on him. 🤔

We are just “FINE”

Yup…fine!

Fine with the day to day, the monotony, the doing and not getting anything back, the wondering how much happier we could be, and that not being able to feel satiated when we are with each other feeling! Worse part is…the desire is no longer just physical and hasn’t been in a long time, it crossed that line a while back.

It’s crazy how the smallest thing/action/look/thought can lead to these deep conversations CB and I continue to have. Today’s topic was how come neither of us argues/fights with our spouses anymore. He said he was thinking about it yesterday after work and finally understood why. In any relationship there comes a point where you have had enough and go on about your life while trying to not cause any big waves. CB and I agreed today that is where we both are. There’s no sense in arguing with the spouses anymore because we know the path it leads to, we have also both come to realize that what we (CB and I) have will never be in our marriages. We know it’s not right but we rather keep doing what we are doing and be 100% happy for that limited amount of time.

Today CB came up to me because I wanted to tell him something – which when he was in front of me and I smelled his cologne – I completely forgot. He then joked and said “you were going to ask me to marry you” a comment that shocked the shit out me because that comment would certainly come out of the mouth of a die-hard romantic like me; however, it came out of his!!

At that moment, after composing myself, I mustered the courage to tell him about this blog. Until today, only one of my female friends and coworker of ours (who knows the entire story) knew about it. He got this smirk on his lips and asked me how long I had been writing it and why. I told him–about a month and because I needed to share/vent/let emotions out with someone even if it was the entire digital world. Not sure if I’ll give him the link to it tomorrow or not..after all this is all about him, I figured if it were me, I’d want to know if someone where writing about me and what they were writing.

After a year, it still leaves me speechless the way in which his touch, our talks, his kisses, and just his presence moves me and makes me feel emotions/feelings/desires I had never felt with anyone else.

Growing up I had heard when you meet that one person you’ll see your future in their eyes–didn’t believe that until a year ago–unfortunately that person is already taken.

True self and love

I should be sleeping but instead I’m laying in bed staring at this tiny screen on my phone wanting to put some thoughts down. While this week was short at work (I’m off until next Monday) it was extremely busy and today a bit emotional. “CB” was off yesterday but at work today so like usual yesterday’s outfit was a lot more subdued than today’s because if feels insanely great to have him tell me how amazing I look. Today he showed up to work looking like a sick little boy, he’s been fighting a head-cold for about a week now but the only one trying to take care of him apparently is me. 

I had a meeting at 1030 and before going to it, I sent him a chat message letting him know that I had made him hot tea and put cough drops next to it and to come grab them out of my office. When I came back in I saw that everything was gone and that I had a chat message that said “why are you so good to me.” We’ve had this thing, for a year and half now, that whenever either of us asked a stupid/you know the answer kind of question we would just GGGRRR at each other, either in person/chat/texts–that was my immediate response and then I told him “if you have to ask then you still don’t know me like I thought you did.” He proceeded to tell me that he did know me, that because of the way he was he felt awful not being able to do anything for me when I went out of my way for him. The only answer I could give at that point was “well maybe life is letting all these add up and eventually you’ll get the rest of your life to make it up to me”–maybe corny but definitely fits where we both are right now.

A couple hours passed and I couldn’t shake off the sad/wanting to cry/can’t stop thinking feeling so I told him that. He immediately came into my office and he asked why. After all this time, we both can read each other like the back of our hand, so I told him that I was sad cuz I knew that his question was loaded with feelings and other things he wasn’t telling me, to which he joked that I read too much into stuff. I told him that his question to me meant at least three things: 

• While he had asked her to be a wife/friend/partner and do for him what he did for her–she was still not and he was still not appreciated 
• As much as we have tried to get rid of our feelings for each other, they are still there
• Regardless of the circumstances behind how we met and what is still happening, we would do anything to ensure the other was taken care of and felt it

I lay here tearing up because I can still hear his nervous laughter from this afternoon and then his “yes you are right and we can’t hide anything from each other regardless of how much we try.” All I could do at that moment was get up from my chair and wrap my arms around him to hug him and kiss his forehead. Before I left work today I left him a mug with the bags of tea, the cough drops, and a little note that he will get tomorrow morning as I’m driving 10hrs to spend thanksgiving with my husbands’ family and away from mine.

I hate that by the time I’m done writing them, these blogs are totally structure-less but I guess the bottom line of tonight’s is –who do you show your true self to?? Is it your spouse, parents, siblings, or best friends? Does anyone even get to see your entire true self or do you show different personas to different people?

It’s a sucky situation to be in when the person who knows you and connects with you on multiple levels is limited to 8hr work days and then each of you go home to acceptable/settling lives.

This twin flame stuff is UNREAL!!

I’m sitting here smiling and giggling like a little school girl because sometimes, no most times, my life has NO explanation. So less than a month ago “cabana boy (CB)” said no more to whatever we had been doing, I was a mess as a result but managed to ignore him, his smell, his smile, and all the sexiness that he manages to exude by just standing there–yes it is that disgusting! HAHA!

Over the weekend I took some silly “what zodiac sign is your lover supposed to be quiz” and had to laugh when the result showed up because it said Pisces, yup, his sign! Work thankfully has been extremely busy which has kept me unable to engage in as much conversation or give him as much attention as I used to, clearly this has been to my benefit. I has helped me focus on me, my job, how I want to handle things at home with the husband and stepdaughter, what I need and want, and after training and finishing a marathon just taking time to breathe (when work allows!) Well, Monday was unlike other Mondays, yes I knew we had a super moon that night, but last week had been so bad that I didn’t think twice about it. He came in my office like most mornings, we chatted about the weekend, what we had done, the performance of the local football team, etc. and then like old times I got a smirk. I knew the clothes I wore that day fall on his list of things he likes on me, which yes it’s pretty much everything–someone else is in scrubs and let’s face it scrubs aren’t sexy–

Ok so 3rd day of trying to finish this post and with a drink by my side because it was a SUPER long day at work—so yes the smirk, some random flirtatious comments through the day on Monday and as he was getting ready to leave for the day he says “Yeah, you and I cant, it will likely happen again soon” I wondered whether I heard the right thing but didn’t ask for clarification and just kept working.

Tuesday came around and it was the same 15 yr old cat and mouse game we have been playing for the 18 months. I ended up wearing some capri pants, a sweater, and heels, professional enough but definitely not trying harder at all. Like most days we had out morning chat, talked about work, his daughter, stuff at my house, etc. A couple of times through the day he came in my office and we chatted some more, he told me once again how great I looked (must be the stress/lack of eating, then again I’ve always thought I’m just a really smart average looking woman, blame it on ex’s or not having my 1rst bf until I was 18). At some point that morning I did ask him why he had said what he said Monday afternoon and what it meant. As usual I got the answer I expected “Seeing you every day, trying to stay away from you, knowing that she (his wife) isn’t putting any effort, and that you are the whole package is driving me crazy” to which I had to LOL because back to my “why do we settle” post…here’s a man who’s clearly unhappy, who sees his future and happiness with someone else BUT settling. I walked with him to the hallway and elevator that day and before leaving he repeated what he said on Monday. Tease me replied “it’d be nice if it happened before Christmas” and walked away.

That must have left him thinking all-night on Tuesday because when he walked in on Wednesday morning, mind you I was dressed up in a skirt and 3″ heels after our civil, just friends morning chat, he asked “so I know you have tons of leave you need to get rid of, do you want to leave early today?”*JAW DROPPED TO THE FCKNG FLOOR* WHAT??? HE ACTUALLY BROKE in less than a month…WTF?!?!? Yes, the same man who told me less than a month ago that we had to stop everything, was all of sudden propositioning me to leave work early for a relaxing afternoon. I’ll spare you the details but I’ll share that a forgotten doctor’s appointment suddenly showed up on my calendar and it was a wonderful afternoon.

During the time we spent together, and me being me, I had to ask him why he had made the decision he made in October and what made him change his mind. His answer “We were back to leaving at the same time every afternoon, notes, lunch, and knowing that you are where and with whom I want to be but I’m choosing to stay where I am, I had to back off for a bit, I was getting wrapped up in us again.”  I had nothing to say…speechless (doesn’t happen very often)

Life is one big conundrum and honestly all we can do is BE HAPPY IN THE MOMENT!!